Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


I have to admit that I’ve found the pointage, laughery, and mockification assosciated with The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt’s LOLsuits that did not include me as a defendant as wonderful sources of amusement. Today is the third anniversary of the beginning of LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler.

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The Cabin Boy™ has announced the filing of his next LOLsuit. He says that he’s mailed it to the U. S. District Court in Milwaukee and that the named defendants are Patrick Grady of Palatine, IL, Eric P. Johnson of Paris, TN, Sarah “Rose” Palmer of Reidsville, NC, Dianna Deeley of San Francisco, CA, The William G. Irwin Charitable Foundation of San Francisco, CA, and Nancy Gilly of Groton, CT. He says they engaged in State Law Torts, Unlawful Use of Computerized Communications Equipment, Harassment, Invasion of Privacy/Right to Publicity, Stalking, Defamation Per Se, and Mopery with Intent to Lurk Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress.

orvilleredenbacherHe has also said that he will seek John Doe subpoenas to try to identify the following individuals to be added to his LOLsuit: Techno Jinx, MJ, Roy Schmalfeldt, Vigilans Vindex, Pablo, Neal N. Bob, This Other Latin F*cker, Perry Mason, Howard Earl, A.B., Tao, Jane, Grace, Dr_Mile [sic], Katie Scarlett, Rob Crawford, The 13th Diuke [sic] of Wymborne, Kobayashi Maru, AJ Fornicarious Hoc, JeffM, Gus Bailey, and Colonol [sic] Victor Trollpoker.

Click on the image above to buy more popcorn from Amazon.

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The bulk of LOLsuit VI collapsed fairly early on, and the case that lingered against a couple of the defendants was thoroughly defeated at the hands of a lawyer who the Cabin Boy™ had tried to deride as incompetent.

Nothing proceeded as the Cabin Boy™ had hallucinated.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


One of the sillier aspects of Team Kimberlin’s attempts to use the courts for their campaign of brass knuckles reputation management has been their use of pro se LOLsuits. It’s been a pain in the neck (or a couple of feet lower) to be on the receiving end of some of them, but I’ve won every one that The Dread Deadbeat Pro-Se Kimberlin and The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt have filed against me. Indeed, they haven’t won any of the cases they’ve filed since the beginning of 2012. One example of their pro se incompetence was pointed out in this Legal LULZ Du Jour from three years ago today.

Let me set the stage. During the closing days of 2105, the Cabin Boy™ was tooling up for what became LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler, and he was ranting on the Internet about the direst of dire direness the he imagined lay ahead for his adversaries.

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The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt is threatening Paul Krendler with a Brodie motion.TheMerryWidower201511282145Z

Apparently, the Cabin Boy™ is planning on bring suit in Maryland, the only state where so-called Brodie Motions are filed. A Brodie Motion asks a court for a John Doe subpoena to an ISP seeking a user’s identity pursuant to the case law in Independent Newspapers, Inc. v. Brodie, 407 Md. 415 (2009).

IANAL, but I’m unaware of any similar case law applicable in the Eastern District of Wisconsin or the Seventh Circuit.

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The Cabin Boy’s™ ignorance is of a special form. His problem isn’t that he doesn’t know much. It’s that so much of what he knows is wrong.

BTW, LOLsuit VI was aptly named. The Cabin Boy™ wasn’t able to use it to identify the anonymous blogger Paul Krendler. LOLsuits VII and VIII also failed.

Losing losers gotta lose.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


On the one hand, it can be a pain in the neck ( or a couple of feet lower) to be the target of one of Bill Schmalfeldt’s failed LOLsuits. OTOH, those suits have been bountiful sources of  pointage, laughery, and mockification as this post from two years ago about A Bad Day in St. Francis shows.

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Judge Joseph has issued an order dealing with all of the open motions in the LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler except for the defendants’ motion to dismiss.

“… nonsensical, not to mention impractical.” Yep, that’s about the size of it.

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When a judge starts referring to a litigant’s filings as “nonsensical, not to mention impractical,” you’d think that litigant might begin to wonder whether the court considers him to be credible and consider withdrawing his case. But LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler was filed by The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt, so months of further PLM ensued.

And some of us did well with our popcorn futures.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


There’s an old lawyer’s saying that when the facts are against you, stress the law; when the law is against you, stress the facts; and when the facts and the law are both against you, yell and pound the table. When yelling and pounding fail, Team Kimberlin provides us with Legal LULZ.

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SRUs201604151839ZIs either The Worst Attorney Teabagger® or TWAT® a registered trademark? If so, does either one belong to the Cabin Boy™?

17 U.S.C. § 1326 PENALTY FOR FALSE MARKING
(a) In General.—Whoever, for the purpose of deceiving the public, marks upon, applies to, or uses in advertising in connection with an article made, used, distributed, or sold, a design which is not protected under this chapter, a design notice specified in section 1306, or any other words or symbols importing that the design is protected under this chapter, knowing that the design is not so protected, shall pay a civil fine of not more than $500 for each such offense.

(b) Suit by Private Persons.—Any person may sue for the penalty established by subsection (a), in which event one-half of the penalty shall be awarded to the person suing and the remainder shall be awarded to the United States.

There’s a big difference in the meaning of ® compared to ™.

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Everyone time Team Kimberlin has filed a motion for sanctions against a defendant or defendants counsel, the motion has failed. Their motions to sanction third parties have failed. But there’s no surprise there. After all, all of their LOLsuits have been the equivalent of a knife at a gunfight.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


Two years ago, LOLsuit VI The Undiscovered Krendler was alive, and The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt has just filed a motion to disqualify Aaron Walker as counsel for the two remaining named defendants in the case. That motion included this sworn statement:

The Gentle Reader who has not been following The Saga of Team Kimberlin since 2016 should not be surprised to learn that the defendants filed an opposition to the Cabin Boy’s™ motion, and that Schmalfeldt reacted stupidly on Twitter. Hogewash! reported his folly under the headline I’m Not Making This Up, You Know.

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Given that every single paragraph of the declaration by Brett Kimberlin filed as an exhibit with the Cabin Boy’s™ motion to disqualify Aaron Walker as defense counsel in LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler contains at least one provable lie, …Cheddar201603090233Z… the lack of self-awareness is … well, it’s about average for the Cabin Boy™.

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As usual, the Cabin Boy’s™ motion failed, and his case failed to survive a motion to dismiss.

Lying liars gotta lie, stupid is as stupid does, and everything proceeded as I had foreseen.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


Since Brett Kimberlin unwisely took on Aaron Walker in 2012, every Team Kimberlin LOLsuit has ended in failure. Only one LOLsuit made it to trial after having most of its claims thrown out on summary judgment, and the trail was stopped before we defendants put on our case because The Dread Deadbeat Pro-Se Kimberlin failed to offer any evidence to support his claims that we had defamed him or invaded his privacy. All TDPK’s peace order petitions similarly failed. None of Bill Schmalfeldt’s LOLsuits have survived motions to dismiss. The peace order petition he filed against Patrick Grady failed because The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt failed to face Mr. Grady in court.

One common feature of most of these LOLsuits has been making claims that aren’t supported by a lawful cause of action. I wrote about that in the TKPOTD from two years ago today.

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A recurring theme in many of the Team Kimberlin LOLsuits is the inclusion of claims for nonexistent torts. For example, two of the claims in the Kimberlin v. Walker, et al. nuisance lawsuit were thrown out at summary judgment because they weren’t based on any recognized cause of action. In that case, The Dread Pro-Se Kimberlin tried to my codefendants and me for stalking and harassment, but while they are crimes, they are not torts. In the RICO Remnant LOLsuit, he’s trying to sue for conspiracy, and, as Judge Mason told him, that’s not a stand-alone tort either.

popcorn4bkThe Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt has followed in his excellent friend’s footsteps. When he filed LOLsuit I: The Emotional Picture, he included a claim for harassment. In LOLsuit IV: The Voyage to Oblivion, the Cabin Boy™ tried to sue for both harassment and conspiracy. In LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler, … well, we’ll see.

Stay tuned.

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The Cabin Boy™ included claims in LOLsuit VIII: Avoiding Contact for which there were no causes of action and wound up having to withdraw them in his amended complaint, and that amend complaint was dismissed because, just like LOLsuits III, IV, and VI, he sued in courts not having personal jurisdiction over the defendants.

And butthurt is still not a tort.

Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


A couple of years ago, our LULZ muscles were still in the throws of LOLsuit  VI: The Undiscovered Krendler when the Cabin Boy™ submitted an obviously altered document as an exhibit to a filing in that case. I pointed to his screw up in a Legal LULZ Du Jour posted two years ago today.

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This is from an exhibit submitted by the Cabin Boy™ as evidence with both his Complaint and Proposed Amended Complaint in his LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler.Hoge or Johnson

It appears to be altered.

IANAL, but I’ve been told that it’s a bad idea to proffer an altered document to a court of law.

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Schmalfeldt’s reaction to that post resulted in a massive dose of PLM when I suggested that it was time for him to Put Up or Shut Up about his “evidence.”

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Back in November, I received an email from the Cabin Boy™ that included the an image and text from email that he claimed had be sent to the property management company that manages the apartment build where he lives. I posted that email and a second one from him here.

The Cabin Boy™ quotes the first of those two email texts he sent to me in Exhibit 4 of his Proposed Amended Complaint in the LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler. As the Gentle Reader can see, the original version of the exhibit alleged that I sent the email to the property management company, but The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt has altered the document to accuse Eric Johnson.

That raises the question of what evidence he has that either one of us sent the email. In the unlikely event that his LOLsuit survives the motions to dismiss, the Cabin Boy™ will undoubtedly have to produce any evidence he has about who sent that email as a part of discovery, and it will surely come out in the open either as part of a motion for summary judgment or at trial. (Stop laughing.) Therefore, if Schmalfeldt has any confidence in his case, he should go ahead and post the email with all its headers.

Of course, it could be that the Cabin Boy™ is simply lying again, and given his track record, that’s not an unreasonable assumption. Come to think of it, that’s probably the only reasonable assumption, and I believe I will adopt it as my publicly stated belief. Of course, if Schmalfeldt were to post proof … but how likely is that?

UPDATE—Cheddar201602070309Z

(c) Whoever corruptly—
(1) alters, destroys, mutilates, or conceals a record, document, or other object, or attempts to do so, with the intent to impair the object’s integrity or availability for use in an official proceeding; or
(2) otherwise obstructs, influences, or impedes any official proceeding, or attempts to do so,
shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than 20 years, or both.

—18 U.S.C. 1512

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I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.