This episode of Blogsmoke first ran six years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Footsteps coming down a hall and into the room.
PRODUCER: Howdy, Sheriff. Grab a cup of coffee and join us.
SOUND: Coffee cup taken from rack. Coffee poured. Chair pulled out.
JOHN: What’s up?
PINKY: Nothing much. Just taking one last coffee break at the end of a short work week.
JOHN: Short week? I thought you were up seven days a week.
PINKY: My feature’s done like a lot of old time radio. Johnny Atsign’s adventures are “transcribed,” and so are my little quips.
JOHN: Sounds like an easy way to make a living. This Internet Sheriff gig is mostly hurry-up-and wait, but it’s on-call 24/7. Speaking of Johnny Atsign, was that thing that came in early this week for real?
PRODUCER: It turned out to be very real. It’s scrambled the production schedule, but it’s an important lead for [redacted].
JOHN: Good. I think.
PRODUCER: Well, good and bad. Good in that it may mean that [redacted]. On the other hand, it’s bad that [redacted] was able to [redacted]. Based on that, The Grouch has got everything ass backward.
PINKY: We’re definitely going to need more popcorn. Can we order some of it cheese-flavored this time?
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Autumn is here. Cool weather is just around the corner. Why not stay warm in a Team Lickspittle hoodie? There several styles and colors available—some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
BRAIN: This is a pleasant surprise.
PRODUCER: Yeah, I beat you to making coffee this time.
BRAIN: Smells like Kona.
PRODUCER: It is. Grab a up and pull up a chair.
SOUND: Coffee cup taken from rack. Coffee poured. Chair pulled out.
BRAIN: How’s it goin’, Sheriff?
JOHN: It’s slow. Most of the cases that might have been active are on hold, waiting for court rulings or for filings that aren’t due yet.
PINKY: What about the case where you’re the plaintiff?
JOHN: The judge denied my motion to amend the verdict. I’ve talked it over with my counsel, and we have a plan for how to deal with the problem going forward.
BRAIN: Hold it? I thought you were representing yourself pro se.
JOHN: Brain, all I have to say about that is that I’ve talked thing over with counsel and that we have a plan.
BRAIN: Oh.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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There’s no statute of limitations on [redacted] or [redacted].