This episode of Your’s Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran eight years ago today.
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SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny. It’s Paul Candler.
JOHNNY: Hi, Paul. What can I do for you?
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) The Grouch has yet another faildox going on my identity.
JOHNNY: Yeah, that’s nothing new.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) This time The Bomber is trying to help him. It looks like they’re coordinating the doxing, but they’re going after the wrong person.
JOHNNY: Really? I’ll take a look.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Zombie ID Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber What would happen if you actually had evidence for an accusation?
JOHNNY: The Bomber had filed a peace order petition against one of my clients. In that petition The Bomber referred to him as a “close associate” of The Zombie, and during the peace order hearing tried to get him to identify The Zombie during cross examination.
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … then he asked the identity of The Zombie.
JOHNNY: But the client doesn’t know who he is.
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Of course, he doesn’t, and he testified that he didn’t.
JOHNNY: That should have been the end of that.
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Well, The Bomber tried to make some other connections, but he simply had no evidence. But he was extremely upset about the petition being denied. Look at what he did. He lost that case on a Friday, and he filed that RICO suit the following Monday.
JOHNNY: That’s when The Bomber alleged the client was Candler.
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Right.
JOHNNY: Had he come up with any new evidence?
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) No. He had nothing new to present at the peace order appeal either, …
JOHNNY: Uh, huh.
PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) (Fading out) … and there was no evidence to support the false criminal charge he filed …
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JOHNNY: It’s been months since The Bomber tried to ID the wrong person as Cander, and he still has no real clue about The Zombie’s real identity. Neither does The Grouch, but that hasn’t stopped him from faildoxing multiple people. Mostly, though, he’s focused on one person and has even sworn under penalty of perjury in a peace order petition that person was The Zombie. Of course, he never has had any actual evidence.
He has another candidate for now. The same person The Bomber used to claim was Bomber Unmasked.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @[redacted] Are you The Zombie now?
[redacted] DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) No.
JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) But, but, but … The Bomber says you are.
[redacted] DMS: (SNYNTH VOICE) The Bomber says lots of things. How much of it is usually true?
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Maybe I’m The Zombie or BomberUnmasked or both. Or maybe I’m not. But how would you know for sure?
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? You can’t make this stuff up. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Or maybe The Bomber was The Grouch’s Zombie and vice versa.