Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran nine years ago today. The “recent unpleasantness” mentioned is not the same as the present war.

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Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

OPERATOR: (Telephone Filter) Господин Atsign, Вот ваш звонок в Донецк.

JOHNNY: Cпасибо.

OPERATOR: (Telephone Filter) Идем дальше.

JOHNNY: Dimitri, it’s Johnny Atsign. Were you able to find the document?

DIMTRI: (Telephone Filter) Yes. The filing cabinet containing it escaped the fire. I don’t have the original, but I was able to photograph it.

JOHNNY: Great. Can you email it?

DIMTRI: (Telephone Filter) No. I mean photograph, as in film. In any case, I don’t have power for a scanner, but I’ll try to send the film roll out with a friend. You can get it developed. Meanwhile, I’m not sure how much longer the battery will last on this cell phone.

JOHNNY: Keep safe. And thanks.

DIMTRI: (Telephone Filter) OK, Johnny. I’m trying to keep a low profile, but things …

JOHNNY: Dimtri?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The Short Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber Math is hard.

JOHNNY: Some people think that this investigation business is glamorous. Maybe it is to some, but for me it’s just the way I make my living. It can be interesting, even intriguing (as the announcer puts it). It can be dangerous. But most of the time, the work is simply the dreary following of leads to wherever they lead.

Sometimes, they lead to places I can’t get to. One of the leads in The Short Fused Dud Matter led to Ukraine, specifically, Donetsk. If you been following the news at all, you’ll understand why it was really inconvenient to go there.

That’s why it’s important for a guy in my line of work to have a good network of colleagues with whom one can swap favors.

Dimtri had been born in Ukraine back when it was part of the Soviet Union. His family immigrated to the U. S. when he was a small boy. How he and I met isn’t important. Dimtri happened to be back in Ukraine on family business when the recent unpleasantness broke out, and he decided to stay to care for his grandparents. In Donetsk.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @DimtriXYZ I need a favor.

DIMTRI TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Whatcha need?

JOHNNY: What I needed was a birth certificate for someone born in Ukraine. One of the facts in question in the lawsuit filed by The Bomber against my clients was the age of his wife when he married her. There was no question about the date of the marriage. The dispute was over her date of birth. She was from Donetsk. I asked Dimtri to try to find her birth certificate.

DIMTRI TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Call me. Use the Russian number.

JOHNNY: As you heard, I did.

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having one of those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Res Judicata travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

FRIEND: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, I believe we have a mutual friend named Dimtri.

JOHNNY: I have a friend by that name.

FRIEND: (Telephone Filter) So do I. He asked me to deliver a small package to you. May I stop by your office? Would just after lunch be convenient?

JOHNNY: I’ll look forward to it.

FRIEND: (Telephone Filter) Fine. I’ll be pleased to meet you then.

JOHNNY: Our mutual friend dropped off a small package containing a 36-exposure roll of Tri-X film. It had been years since I had developed any film, and all of my chemicals were out of date. It took awhile to find a store in the area with everything that I needed in stock, but I eventually wound up setting up a makeshift darkroom.

Most of the roll was unexposed. The first few shots were of an elderly couple. I’d need to save them for Dimtri. It was frames 7 and 8 that interested me. They were pictures of a document. I had given my enlarger away, but I still had my slide scanner. I scanned the negatives and processed them.

They were pictures of a birth certificate showing a date of birth in November, 1980.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber 1996 – 1980 < 18.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? More RICO Madness. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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Math is hard, and none of The Bomber’s claims ever seem to add up.

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