This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran nine years ago today.

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ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Cell phone rings four times.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny, where are you?

JOHNNY: Off fishing. I told you guys that I was taking a break.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) I know, but where?

JOHNNY: It’s a secret spot. I’m near the headwaters of a river. I’m standing in in one state, and the stream is so narrow up here that I can bounce flies off the bank of the next state.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) I don’t need to know your exact location. What I want to know is how quickly you can get back.

JOHNNY: If I have things my way—several days. If it’s important, I can be back tomorrow morning.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) It’s important.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The Short Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Aaron Let’s meet at that diner on 355.

SOUND: Road Noise. Car Interior POV.

JOHNNY: It had been quiet for the past couple of weeks. After his rather spectacular loss in his state lawsuit, The Bomber had taken off for Hawaii. He was back now, and that case was turning into a zombie as he tried to get things stirred up for an appeal. But that wasn’t what Aaron wanted to talk about.

SOUND: Car parked. Door opens and closes. Foot steps on side walk. Door open to background sound of restaurant. Background sustains.

GREETER: How many, sir?

JOHNNY: I’m meeting someone. Ah. He’s in that booth.

SOUND: Footsteps.

JOHNNY: Good morning, Aaron.

AARON: Hi, Johnny.

JOHNNY: OK, what’s up?

AARON: You know that The Bomber filed that motion in the state lawsuit?

JOHNNY: Uh, huh.

AARON: He’s entitled to the paperwork he’s requesting. That’s no big deal, but he can use it …

WAITRESS: Good morning. What can I get you?

AARON: I’ve had breakfast already—just some unsweetened ice tea.

WAITER: And you, sir?

JOHNNY: Coffee. Black. And a short stack of the blueberry pancakes.

WAITRESS: Sausage or bacon?

JOHNNY: Bacon.

WAITRESS: I’ll be right back with your drinks.

JOHNNY: You were saying …

AARON: He’ll use it to file a request for a new trial and, when that fails, an appeal.

JOHNNY: Is there any chance that he’ll get anywhere with that?

AARON: There shouldn’t be, but this is Maryland.

JOHNNY: Yeah.

AARON: You remember that he was trying to get a preliminary injunction in the state case to require the defendants to take down all the blog posts and tweets he found offensive.

JOHNNY: The Circuit Court judge blew that off, didn’t he?

AARON: Uh, huh, but The Bomber is also trying to get one in …

WAITRESS: Here’s your tea and your coffee.

SOUND: Glass and cup set on table.

WAITRESS: Can I get you anything else?

JOHNNY: No. I think were fine.

WAITRESS: Those pancakes should be up in about five minutes.

JOHNNY: Thanks.

AARON: As I was saying—he’s trying for a PI in the RICO case as well. Or at least he’s asked the judge for permission to file for one.

JOHNNY: On what basis?

AARON: He claims that we’re defaming him by continuing to report on his activity. He seems especially torqued by the reporting on the bogus green card stuff he tried to pull in the copyright case with Bomber Unmasked.

JOHNNY: But I thought the judge in that case ruled that he didn’t provide proof of service. Wouldn’t that mean that the he didn’t think the green cards were valid?

AARON: Probably, but he didn’t say so explicitly in his order. That’s where you come in. I’d like you and your document nerd to go over the evidence one more time to see if there’re any holes.

JOHNNY: What’s the rush?

AARON: Today is his last day to either file his motion or tell the judge he’s dropping it. I want to get ahead of him on this.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Res Judicata travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

JOHNNY: The pancakes were great with bacon, and, after breakfast, I headed to my office in Westminster. On the way, I gave my document nerd a call and asked him to review all of the green card evidence we had on The Bomber in all his various lawsuits. I told him that I would be by early that evening for a review.

SOUND: Knock on door.

NERD: (Off mike) Come on in, Atsign.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps.

NERD: Take a seat.

JOHNNY: Thanks. Whatcha got?

NERD: Same answers as before. Also, I took a close look at the metadata in those iPhone pictures again. They really can’t be used to prove much. He may have marked the cards, but he didn’t pay the postage for Restricted Delivery. You can see that from the amount shown on the envelopes. The whole thing’s bogus.

JOHNNY: OK, step me through it piece by piece.

NERD: Fine. Let’s go back to the …

SOUND: Cell phone rings.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign. … Aaron, I’m going over the evidence with The Nerd. Let me put you on speaker.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Thanks, guys, but rush is off.

JOHNNY: Oh?

NERD: How come?

AARON: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber didn’t bother to file anything.

NERD: Great.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) We still need to review the evidence, but the schedule is now more relaxed. I’ll call you when I know more.

JOHNNY: Uh, huh. Call me when I get back.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Back?

JOHNNY: Yeah. I’m not done with that fishing trip.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber I don’t do catch-and-release.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? More RICO Madness. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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A judge found that The Bomber didn’t provide proof of service in one instance. Well, yes, The Bomber never provided proof of anything. That’s why he lost all his LOLsuits.