This episode of Blogsmoke first ran seven years ago today.
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MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: (Playback via a small speaker) Spooky organ music and dialog “The Poop Flake Knows!” (Cut off abruptly)
JOHN: I’ve heard enough. You’ve got to be kidding me. He trying to sell that?
ZOMBIE: Yeah. He’s not only run it on his podcasts, he’s included it on one of his CDs.
JOHN: No wonder he doesn’t have any sales to speak of.
ZOMBIE: So what do you think?
JOHN: Oh, it’s lame. It’s probably even worse that the “Green Hairnet” parodies we did on the campus radio station back in the ‘60s.
ZOMBIE: The Green Hairnet?
JOHN: Yeah. The theme music was a jazz version of “The Flight of the Bumble Bee,” and the intro went:
He hunts the biggest of all game—public dandruff that tries to destroy our heritage. With his faithful manicurist Arnold, Brute Rhode, dashing Muncie, Indiana, hair stylist, matches his wit with the underworld, beating the brush for racketeers and rooting them out with a fine-tooth comb. The Green Hairnet strikes again! … followed the buzzing of hair clippers.
The episodes went downhill from there.
But back to the present, I don’t think there’s anything worth going after in that piece. It’s just recycled middle school potty humor.
ZOMBIE: Your probably right. The other stuff is more serious.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having one of those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Murum Aries Attigit travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
ZOMBIE: It’s kind of a shame not to be able to tag him with a decade’s worth of his writings.
JOHN: Well, remember that the lawyers said that we can only go back one year for defamation in Maryland. The earlier stuff can be used to establish a pattern of activity, but none of those incidents can support a specific claim.
ZOMBIE: Maybe that’s good in a way. Limiting the scope will help each of us stay under the 50 page limit.
JOHN: True, but remember not all of the claims would be for defamation. Mine might include breach of contract. My claims for copyright violations are barred by that settlement agreement, but you aren’t a party to that.
ZOMBIE: Uh, huh. But you’re not a party to the current suit. You can’t file a counterclaim.
JOHN: That’s right. Did I mention that the Howard County Circuit Courthouse is just off of one of the routes I can take to work? It’s really no trouble to stop by there.
JOHN: Why should we limit our punching back to only twice as hard?
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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