This episode of Blogsmoke first ran six years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Car pulling into parking space. Interior POV. Engine stops.
JOHN: My father spent six years doing counterintelligence law enforcement work. He described the job as mostly boring procedural work.
SOUND: Parking brake set. Driver’s door opens.
JOHN: Even the big cases were mostly stakeouts and a lot of hurry-up-and-wait.
SOUND: Car door closes. Exterior POV. Footsteps along sidewalk.
JOHN: This Internet Sheriff gig is pretty much the same. Most of it consists of watching and documenting. [Pause] And paperwork. Lots of paper work.
SOUND: Walking up building steps.
JOHN: Of course, the paperwork has to be filed.
SOUND: Door opens and closes.
JOHN: Good morning. How’s it goin’ today?
BAILIFF 1: Not bad. You heading to the same place?
JOHN: Yeah. The Clerk’s Office.
BAILIFF 1: OK. Leave your belt on and go on through.
SOUND: Metal detector squawks.
BAILIFF 2: Good morning.
SOUND: Wand squawks.
BAILIFF 2: Just your belt buckle. You’re good to go.
JOHN: Thanks. Has it be busy today?
BAILIFF 2: There’s a jury trial, but its across the street in the old courthouse.
BAILIFF 1: Here’s your tray from the scanner.
JOHN: Thanks. All quiet over here, then?
BAILIFF 1: Yeah. It’s been a slow week.
SOUND: Footsteps on stairway.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: If you’re like the Twitter Town Internet Sheriff, you receive lots of mails and emails and you sometimes have to lug hard copies around. A Team Lickspittle Messenger Bag is a great way to keep your paperwork organized while you’re on the go. It’s just one of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
ASST. CLERK: Back again?
JOHN: Hey, you folks are just so much fun, I can’t stay away.
ASST. CLERK: What can we do for you?
JOHN: First, I’ve got some paperwork to file. It’s quite a bundle, so bear with me.
ASST. CLERK: Are they all the same case?
JOHN: Uh, huh? The number’s on this first subpoena. This the return of service for it.
ASST. CLERK: OK. Let me get that file open on the computer.
SOUND: Typing and mouse clicks.
ASST. CLERK: Fine. Now, what else?
JOHN: Right. Here are the returns of service on the summonses for two more defendants.
ASST. CLERK: OK …
JOHN: (Fading out) And here’s a reply to a motion from one of the defendants. The original motion’s docket number is …
SOUND: Footsteps along sidewalk.
JOHN: Yeah. That’s pretty much the way most of this goes. Routine paperwork. Somebody has to do it, and for now, that somebody is me.
SOUND: Car door opens. Exterior POV.
JOHN: That’s not to say that the job isn’t satisfying. It is.
SOUND: Car door closes. Interior POV.
JOHN: But it isn’t always exciting.
SOUND: Car starts. Interior POV.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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I’m not done with them yet.