This episode of Blogsmoke first ran seven years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Footsteps in snow.
JOHN: After shoveling 8 to 10 inches of global warming off the front walk, I’m ready to come in out of the corn starch and warm up.
SOUND: Feet being wiped. Door opens and closes.
WILL: (Off mike) The coffee’s ready.
SOUND: Closet door slides. Coat hangers rustle.
JOHN: I’ll grab some in a minute. Thanks.
JOHN: This Internet Sheriff gig has been magnificently weird at times.
WILL: (Off mike) I put a cup by your chair.
JOHN: I see it. Thanks.
SOUND: Footsteps out.
WILL: (Off mike) I’m headed out to finish the driveway.
SOUND: Door opens and closes off mike.
JOHN: Ah. It’s good to sit for a bit. Where was I? Oh, yeah. The Internet Sheriff gig. You know, I got it thanks to a abortive attempt at humor by Bunny Boy over at Goodguys Unmasked. He was lamely trying to make fun of me and referred to me as the Internet Sherriff of Twitter Town and made a snarky remark about “Blogsmoke.” That was about a year-and-a-half ago.
That bit of snark spawned this feature. And Johnny Atsign. And Blognet. Anyone of them has a bigger following than anything that Bunny Boy has tried.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: John’s not the only one who’s been shoveling snow today. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie. It’s heavy enough to keep me warm, but not so heavy that I overheat while working. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
JOHN: Bunny Boy has a significant editorial screw up fairly regularly. His latest goes beyond childish snark and gets into some pretty serious name calling. He put a post up this week that accuses me of stalking in its headline.
That’s nonsense, of course, but it’s mild compared to what he put in the body of the post. He says that I’ve suborned perjury. Also, he rants about a charging document that named his buddy The Bomber. He’s not very clear, so I’m not sure whether he’s lying about the contents of the actual document or claiming that I posted an altered version of it. Or both.
The post is clearly defamatory, but since Maryland repealed its criminal defamation statue, it’s a civil matter. As Internet Sheriff, I don’t have to worry about it. I can leave it for the lawyers.
Meanwhile, I’m tired after moving all that snow. I’m gonna take a nap.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Ram. Wall. Some disassembly required.