Here’s a slightly updated version of an episode of Blogsmoke that first ran five years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
JOHN: I was sipping a cup of coffee in the break area and enjoying the peace and quiet when a few other characters began coming in.
SOUND: Coins in vending machine slot. Button pushed. Rattling delivery of a drink.
PINKY: Howdy, Sheriff.
SOUND: Pop top can opens.
PINKY: Mind if I join you?
JOHN: No. Have a seat. How’s it going?
SOUND: Coffee pot picked up and set down.
BRAIN: Am I the only one who makes coffee around here!?!
JOHN: Sorry, Brain. I was going to make a fresh pot just before I left.
BRAIN: Never mind. I’ll do it.
PINKY: Everything’s just about normal for me. This isn’t a bad gig, just a little bit of brilliant commentary each day. How about you?
SOUND: Cupboard doors opened and closed.
JOHN: This BLOGSMOKE schtick was a bit of a surprise. The whole thing spun out of a lame attempt by Bunny Boy to insult this blog. I suppose it’s going OK, but I think Johnny Atsign is more popular with the readers.
BRAIN: Looks like we don’t have anything in the cupboard except Kona coffee.
JOHN: So who’s complaining?
PINKY: I’m not, but I miss having Blue Mountain as well.
ANNOUNCER: Hey, is there any coffee left?
BRAIN: I’m just making a fresh pot.
ANNOUNCER: Well, in that case I’ll do my thing while it’s brewing.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Yep. We take coffee breaks here at Hogewash!, and when we do, we use the Murum Aries Attigit and Res Judicata coffee mugs we keep in our break area. You can get a set for yourself, but only from The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard-earned cash in support of the Team. You can also support the Team by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
SMITH: Hi, guys!
JOHN: Hey, Liz, what are you doing here? This is BLOGNET’s week off.
SMITH: Joe and I just got back from running down some leads out of town, and I came by the office to pick up some stuff I left in my desk.
JOHN: Uh, huh. Do you think that part of your case will break in time for next week’s episode?
SMITH: I think so, but Joe doesn’t. We’ve bet lunch on it.
PINKY: What about that hearing you covered last week, Sheriff?
JOHN: There’s a second shoe to drop on that one, but I don’t have a read on the timing yet. That depends on when the judge decides to decide.
SOUND: Soft beep
BRAIN: OK. The coffee’s ready. Who wants some?
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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The break area is currently stocked with Kona, Blue Mountain, Peruvian, French Market, and a special Java/Sumatra blend.