This episode of Blognet first ran three years ago today.
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MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. An infamous anti-First-Amendment activist has accused a blogger of being a serial harasser and sexual predator. Your job … help get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Friday, May 20th. It was unseasonably cool and overcast in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 1:03 pm when I entered Room S-140, Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.
SMITH: Yes, sir. The email with your attachment just popped up. … We should be able to start this afternoon. …
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
SMITH: No. If we need more information, we’ll contact you. Should we call or use email? … OK … No, this should be enough to start. … You’re welcome. Goodbye.
SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.
SMITH: Hi, Joe. What happened at the courthouse?
FRIDAY: A couple of the defendants have filed motions to dismiss, but the judge hasn’t issued any rulings. What was that call about?
SMITH: Timberland again. One of his targets is pushing back with a lawsuit. Timberland has filed a motion to have this guy he’s been suing on and off for years as a vexatious litigant.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: And Timberland’s accusing him of being a serial stalker and sexual predator.
FRIDAY: That’s his “Accuse the Accuser” M.O.
SMITH: This time he’s put the name calling in the title of his motion.
FRIDAY: Hold on. You said he put that in the title? He pulled the same stunt in that vexatious litigant motion he filed here in Carroll County day before yesterday.
SMITH: Yeah. Now that you mention it …
SOUND: Keyboard and mouse clicks.
SMITH: Take a look at this, Joe. Here are the two motions side by side.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: One’s basically a cut-and-paste of the other.
FRIDAY: I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by Timberland’s new motion.
SMITH: Why’s that?
FRIDAY: Once he gets a bad idea, he tends to stick with it.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: Friday, June 10th, 2:48 pm.
SMITH: Joe, Timberland’s reply to the opposition to that second vexatious litigant motion of his just came up in the system. What do you want to bet it looks almost identical to the one he filed up here earlier this week?
FRIDAY: No bet.
SMITH: I talked to the State’s Attorney’s Office in Rockville. They wouldn’t comment on Timberland’s hundred pages of evidence except to say that he gave them something and that it was taken into consideration when they dropped the bogus Internet harassment of a minor charge.
FRIDAY: That’s no surprise, and it blows the “serial stalker” allegation out of the water.
SMITH: Yeah, and as weak as that is, it’s infinitely stronger than the “sexual predator” claim.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. There’s some huge gaps in the logic behind that one.
Major Premise—I sued this guy for calling me a pedophile.
Minor Premise—I lost the suit because I couldn’t prove what he said was false.
Conclusion—The other guy is a sexual predator.
SMITH: Well, as soon as I get the hard copy, I’ll write up our report and send it out.
FRIDAY: OK, but I doubt the plaintiff will need it.
FRIDAY: Yeah, the judge should make short work of Timberland’s motion.
NARRATOR: On Thursday, June 16th, the Circuit Court for Montgomery County, Maryland, ruled on Timberland’s vexatious litigant motion. In a moment, the court’s ruling.
ANNOUNCER: A Team Lickspittle Messenger Bag is a great way to keep your paperwork organized while you’re on the go. It’s just one of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: On Thursday, June 16th, the Circuit Court for Montgomery County, Maryland, acting sua sponte struck Timberland’s vexatious litigant motion from the court’s docket. A sua sponte act is done at the judge’s own initiative. The reason given was that the motion contained impertinent and scandalous matter.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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The Bomber’s strategy: When the facts are against you, stress the law. When the law is against you, stress the facts. When the facts and the law are both against you,
yell and pound on the table tell lies.