Sometimes, a wheel touching a curb can cause a ram to touch a wall. And sometimes, a narrative just won’t hold air. This episode of Blognet is from four years ago today.
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MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A cyberstalker is accusing bloggers of stalking him and has claimed that one of the bloggers has engaged in vandalism. Your job … get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps on tarmac. Flight line background noise.
FRIDAY: It was Tuesday, April 4th. It was a clear and mild in the Quad Cities. We were working a special assignment out of Internet Detail in support of small town agency. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 9:22 am when Liz and I walked back across the ramp after escorting a large container of evidence to the baggage compartment of our outgoing flight.
SOUND: Door opens and closes. Flight line background out. Quiet room noise. Footsteps along concourse.
SMITH: It’s much less of a pain escorting a large piece of evidence in a small airport like this.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: The plane change in Detroit won’t be so easy, will it.
FRIDAY: Probably not, but at least were going into the same concourse as our connecting flight. The agent said the flights should be on adjacent gates. They’re supposed to let us out on to the ramp to witness moving the package. The connection’s a bit more than an hour, so we shouldn’t be too rushed.
SMITH: Yeah. We need to maintain the chain of custody and assure nothing’s tampered with.
FRIDAY: Hmmm. Look, the flight doesn’t leave for almost another hour. Let’s grab a cup of coffee at that snack bar.
SOUND: (Background PA) United Airlines Flight 4479 to Chicago now boarding at Gate B11.
SMITH: You know, Joe, this would have been easier if we’d rented a small plane and come up here on our own.
FRIDAY: Maybe, but you’re not a pilot, and the boss’ insurance probably wouldn’t have covered me flying on the job. I’ve only got a private license, not commercial.
SMITH: Feh. This is a lot of work for a couple of flat tires.
FRIDAY: We’ll just have to make the best of it—in spite of the flats.
SMITH: How’s that?
FRIDAY: Laisser les bon temps rouler.
SOUND: Airport background and footsteps out.
FRIDAY: Wednesday, April 5th
We had turned the evidence over to our lab guys, and they had brought in an expert from a local tire recapping plant. They were able to give us an oral summary of their report by early afternoon, and we were able to pass the information along via a phone call.
SMITH: … Yeah. Our guys agree. They’re 99+ percent sure it’s curb damage. … Uh, huh. … They agree about the damage to the rims, and they pointed something else out. The tears are consistent with something pealing back the rubber with motion in the same direction of rotation that caused the smearing of the white ink in the tire brand logo. … Nope. Not slashed. … Uh, huh. … They said I’d have the report late this evening. I’ll forward to you by email as soon as I get it. … Hey, thanks for your hospitality while we were up there. … Yes. Sure thing. … OK. Goodbye.
SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.
SMITH: And that puts another case to bed.
FRIDAY: Hmmm. Quae rotam tetigit viam tangeret.
NARRATOR: On April 6th, the Clinton Police Department made a determination concerning the progress of their vandalism investigation. In a moment the results of that decision.
ANNOUNCER: Mmmm, coffee. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Blognet? Why not sip your coffee from a Hogewash! Murum Aries Attigit Coffee Mug? Murum Aries Attigit, Res Judicata, Team Lickspittle, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, and Johnny Atsign merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar
NARRATOR: On April 6th, the Clinton Police Department suspended their investigation of the vandalism complaint.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Murum aries attigit.