Here’s an episode of Blognet from five years ago today.
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MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A cyberstalker has filed suit against a group of bloggers claiming that he is the victim of harassment. Your job … help get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Wednesday, February 24th. It was cold and overcast in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 9:37 am when Liz and I entered Room S-121, Document Forensics.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.
BUNSEN: Good morning, Liz, Joe.
SMITH: Hi, Phil. Did that paperwork check out?
BUNSEN: Well, kinda.
FRIDAY: What do you mean, kinda?
BUNSEN: Well, you tell by looking that it’s not a summons issued by a court, but it may be a poor copy, maybe a second or third generation copy of a real summons.
BUNSEN: To the naked eye it appears to be missing the court’s seal that should be stamped over the deputy clerk’s signature, and the date is missing.
SMITH: Uh, huh. That’s why we brought it in.
BUNSEN: But if you look at this enhanced scanned version, …
FRIDAY: Yeah, it looks like a ghost of a seal.
BUNSEN: … and if I pan over to the line for the date, …
SMITH: There’s something there, but it’s blurry.
BUNSEN: I haven’t been able to get anything clear enough to read, but there was something on that line in the original. This document isn’t a real court-issued summons, but it could be a copy of a copy. If I got something like this in the mail, I wouldn’t take it at face value.
FRIDAY: Well, you’re not the only one who’s doesn’t trust it.
BUNSEN: How’s that?
FRIDAY: Neither did the guy who received it.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: 9:58 am. Liz and I returned to the Internet Detail Office.
SMITH: The lawyer wanted us to get in touch as soon as the analysis was finished. Do you want me to send him an email?
FRIDAY: Add what we’ve got to the file and send it to him. I’ll give him a call with a heads up.
SOUND: Telephone receiver picked up. Touch tone phone buttons.
FRIDAY: Good, morning. It’s Sergeant Friday. … I’m fine. We’ve got an analysis on the paperwork you sent us. Liz will be sending you a formal report, but I’ve called to give you a quick heads up. … Our document forensics guy. … He says it may be a copy of a real summons. … More like the copy of a copy. … No, you can just make out the seal over the signature in an enhanced scan. … No, the date’s illegible. … Yes, we can include that in the report. Liz should have it email to you before lunch. … Uh, huh, we can include that too. … Really? … How’s that? … Given his history, I’m not surprised. … Yes, we will. … Good bye.
SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.
FRIDAY: Liz, he wants you to include Phil’s contact information in your email in case he needs to get an affidavit.
FRIDAY: Do you remember that comment you made about the package when it came in?
SMITH: You mean about the paperwork having an amended complaint but no original?
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. We assumed that the lawyer hadn’t sent everything but just sent what he wanted checked.
FRIDAY: He sent the whole package.
SMITH: But service of process wouldn’t be valid without the original complaint.
FRIDAY: Yeah, but it’s Parvocampus.
NARRATOR: On Tuesday, March 1st, several defendants’ motions were filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin. On Thursday, March 3rd, the court ruled on one those motions. In a moment, the court’s ruling.
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NARRATOR: On Tuesday, March 1st, several defendants’ motions were filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin. On Thursday, March 3rd, the court ruled on one those motions. Because the plaintiff had improperly attempted to amend his complaint, the court granted the defendants’ additional time to file motions to dismiss for failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted pending the court’s sorting out of which complaint is accepted.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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The files on the real person behind the Parvocampus character now take up several drawers in the cabinets at the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Office, And, yes, these episodes are drawn on the facts from real case files.