This episode of Blognet is from six years ago today.
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NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger has been hauled into court and claims to have been subjected to harassment by means of what he says is an illegally obtained peace order. He claims that false testimony was used for the peace order. Your job … investigate.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Monday, December 9th. It was cold and blustery in Westminster with more snow on the way. We were working the evening watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 5:11 pm when I returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out.
SMITH: Whatcha got, Joe?
FRIDAY: An Application for Statement of Charges for perjury was filed today. Since it’s an Internet-related case, the Commissioners set us a copy.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Remember that Parvocampus case that was in the Circuit Court today?
SMITH: The peace order extension? Did they catch him lying?
FRIDAY: No. Well, I don’t know if they caught him lying. What I mean is that Parvocampus is the complainant. He says that the peace order and the extension are based on perjured testimony.
SMITH: You’re joking.
FRIDAY: No. Really. Take a look.
SOUND: Paper rustling.
SMITH: I suppose we have to do due diligence on this.
FRIDAY: Yeah. It looks pretty bogus, but there’s always the possibility that there may be something to his allegations.
SMITH: Joe, the odds have got to be pretty long.
FRIDAY: I’d say so. About the same as the Sun rising in the west.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: 9:28 pm.
Liz and I had followed all the leads that we could tease out of Parvocampus’s allegations. They broke down into two main categories—factual questions about what happened at particular times and questions of interpretation of those facts.
SMITH: Joe, he doesn’t deny that he sent those tweets, and he doesn’t deny that they contain @mentions or @replies. What he’s alleging to be a lie is saying that they are direct communication, and that’s nonsense. Twitter clearly says that @mentions and @replies are sent directly to the addressee’s account.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: And that thing about “Beware the Ides of March” not being considered to be a threat can’t fly. He admits he made the statement. He was a known associate of convicted bomber who had made specific threats to a venue where the victim was scheduled to be on the Ides of March. The threat was taken seriously by the PG County cops who provided extra security for the event.
FRIDAY: Yeah. I think we’ve got everything in the notes. I’ll finish writing this up and forward a copy over to the Commissioners. Why don’t you take off?
SMITH: Thanks, Joe. I need to get home on time tonight. Bruce is leaving on a business trip in the morning, and I need to help him pack.
FRIDAY: Where to this time?
SMITH: Atlanta for a couple of days.
FRIDAY: Hmmm. Well, if things keep going the way they are, Parvocampus will be taking a trip, but he won’t have to travel so far.
SMITH: What do you mean?
FRIDAY: Jessup is just around the corner from Elkridge.
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: On December 10th, a District Court Commissioner had a finding on the Application for Statement of Charges. In a moment, the result of that finding.
ANNOUNCER: Spring is just around the corner, but it isn’t here yet. It’s still going to be cold for several more weeks. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie as an extra layer of warm clothing. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: A District Court Commissioner is a judicial officer who is not a judge but who handles certain court functions. Applications for Statement of Charges are presented to a Commissioner who determines if probable cause exists for summonses or warrants to be issued. In the case of Parvocampus’s allegations, no probable cause was found, and no charges were issued.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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While the names have been changed to protect the innocent, the facts behind Blognet episodes are real. I’m told that even if new episodes go into production, it will be a while before any involve the Parvocampus character. He left Maryland several years ago, but is unlikely to return until the statute of limitations has run on a couple of items.