Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

Here’s another vintage Blognet episode. This one’s from six years ago today.

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BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A group of cyberbullies has been operating in support of convicted domestic terrorist by conducting online attacks on bloggers. One of them is the subject of multiple restraining orders which he appears to be violating. Your job … document ‘em.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Saturday, December 13th. It was cold and blustery in Westminster. We were working the evening watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 7:02 pm when I returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out.

SMITH: Hey, Joe. What happened at the meeting?

FRIDAY: The Boss turned over all of the information on the Parvocampus contacts to me. I’ve got copies of everything on this thumb drive.

SMITH: Including the audio?

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. The Boss made an mp3 copy.

Oh, I stopped by Forbidden City on the way back and picked up some General Tzo’s Chicken for supper.

SOUND: Paper bag rustling.

FRIDAY: There’s more than I can finish. Want any?

SMITH: Maybe later.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Here. Load the files on to your computer.

SMITH: Right.

SOUND: Typing on keyboard.

SMITH: OK. Which file has the audio … Oh, I see it. It’s the mp3.

FRIDAY: (Mouth full) Right.

SOUND: (Playback through small speaker) OK, look, I don’t know you, but I’m coming for Thanksgiving. You seem like you’ve got a pretty chill family.

SMITH: You’re kidding. That can’t be real.

FRIDAY: I heard the playback off the Boss’s voicemail. Play it again.

SOUND: (Playback through small speaker) OK, look, I don’t know you, but I’m coming for Thanksgiving. You seem like you’ve got a pretty chill family.

FRIDAY: The message is timestamped at 8:52:47 pm on the evening before Thanksgiving.

SMITH: But that’s nuts. OK, I admit that were dealing with Parvocampus, but why would he call with a peace order in place and leave a recorded message? I suppose he can try to claim that it isn’t his voice on the message.

FRIDAY: Yeah, but it sure sounds like him, and it’s consistent with his behavior in the Illinois case. Remember that long voicemail message he left Grayson. This looks like another case of his forgetting something important.

SMITH: What’s that?

FRIDAY: His right to remain silent.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Friday, December 19th. 4:15 pm.

We received word that the court had scheduled a hearing for Parvocampus to show cause why he shouldn’t be found in contempt for disobeying the peace order.

Wednesday, January 14th.

Liz and I had followed all the leads that we could tease out of Parvocampus’s messages. We had taken that and merged with the information turned up by the forensic nerds in the lab and were ready to report to the Boss.

SHERIFF: OK, what have you got?

SMITH: All of this looks genuine. First, it all fits in with his usual pattern of behavior. Also, everything seems to fit in with his other writings on Twitter and his websites. There’s continuity. Of course, the clincher is that he admits to the first instance and is trying claim that it really isn’t a violation of the order.

SHERIFF: What else?

FRIDAY: Voiceprints from that phone message match recordings of his voice from the spoken word material he has on iTunes. The lab guys are fairly certain it’s his voice.

SHERIFF: So the net is that he’s been engaging in contact in violation of the order.

FRIDAY: That’s about the size of it.

SHERIFF: OK. Write it up.

SMITH: We’re a step ahead of you. Here it is.

SHERIFF: Thanks, Liz.

FRIDAY: Well, we still have one open item.

SHERIFF: What’s that?

FRIDAY: How many more times will Parvocampus violate the order between now and the hearing date?

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: A show cause hearing is scheduled for Friday, January 30th. In a moment, we will have further information concerning that hearing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those cold winter evenings when it’s nice to sit by the fire and sip some hot tea. I’ve been sipping mine from my Team Lickspittle tea tumbler. It keeps my tea hot this winter and will keep it cool next summer. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: A contempt show cause hearing is ordered when the court has been presented with prima facie evidence that a peace order has been violated. It is not an opportunity to retry the basis of the order. It is solely an opportunity for the respondent to explain why sanctions are not in order.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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Sometimes it’s great to have an easily identifiable voice. Sometimes it isn’t.

2 thoughts on “Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

  1. I wonder if people get a chance to know his voice before he gets fired from all the radio stations he’s been at lately?

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