A few days ago we looked back at Episode 10 of Blogsmoke. Here is Episode 11 which originally ran seven years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
COMMISSIONER: Well, raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.
JOHN: I do.
COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.
SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING
JOHN: The Grouch wound up charged with one count each of harassment and misuse of electronic communications and 351 counts of failure to comply with a peace order.
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 15th. The unimaginably stupid @wjjhoge has filed 29 more charges, bringing the total to 353. Boy! THAT’S gonna impress EVERYBODY!
November 16th. Actually, it’s @wjjhoge‘s 353 charges against me (so far) that create the impression he’s a wuss. And obsessive-complulsive.
JOHN: The Grouch seems to have the idea that I have charged him with 353 counts of various crimes. I haven’t. The cases aren’t captioned Hoge v. The Grouch. They’re State v. The Grouch. What I did was present evidence to a District Court Commissioner. The Commissioner is the one who found probable cause that a crime had been committed and who charged The Grouch. I am not his opponent. The State is. I’m the victim of his crimes.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
JOHN: The Grouch had a crackpot theory of how Twitter works, and he kept trying to selling to others. He kept claiming that using @wjjhoge in his tweets caused them to be sent to Twitter users who followed my account.
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 16th. As there is no other way for me to broadcast a message that will be seen by @wjjhoge‘s followers, this is my first amendment right.
JOHN: The was just one small problem with The Grouch’s theory. It was wrong. While including @wjjhoge in one of his tweets caused it to appear in my Interactions and/or Mentions pages, it only was seen by one of my followers if he also followed the The Grouch, and The Grouch wouldn’t have to take both hands out of his pockets to count them all. Yet, he kept it up.
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 16th. So those of you who called me a liar for say that any tweet I send with @wjjhoge will be seen by his followers, you may apologize … now.
THE BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain … say, have you noticed that the Boss has Team Lickspittle mouse pads for sale at The Hogewash Store?
ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. And a Team Lickspittle Mousepad is the perfect sort of stocking stuffer gift to be buying on Cyber Monday. They’re available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.
And now back to our story.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 20th. I just got served a (BLEEP)load of papers from @wjjhoge and Carroll County. Tomorrow, we will play “Count the Perjury.”
JOHN: He was referring to his copies of the Applications for Statement of Charges which I filed with the District Court Commissioner. Since they contained nothing except factual references to the Circuit Court and Court of Appeals rulings and the texts of The Grouch’s tweets, finding perjury would be difficult.
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 21st. In the charging document, @wjjhoge swears under oath … “he began sending Twitter messages to me using @mentions and @replies.” Untrue!
JOHN: The Grouch has a habit of butting into other peoples’ conversations on Twitter. The second tweet cited in the first Application was an example of that, and it was clear that he had butted in by hitting the Reply button on someone’s tweet. I pointed that out in a blog post around noon on the 21st. And then The Grouch went quiet for several hours.
THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 21st. 7:09 PM. … I just want to do some GOOD with whatever time I have left, and squabbling with @wjjhoge is only making me sicker. It’s no help to anyone.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) While he doesn’t seem very smart, like a flatworm, The Grouch is capable of turning away from sufficiently adverse stimuli—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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It’s been suggested that he was trying to collect restraining orders in all 50 states.