Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

Episode 10 was one of the early episodes of Blogsmoke. It first ran seven years ago today.

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Blogsmoke

SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Yeah, all 41 of ’em.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

JOHN: The Grouch had first been charged with one count each of harassment and misuse of electronic communications and 36 counts of failure to comply with a peace order. Now, I was back showing more evidence to a District Court Commissioner who charged The Grouch with another 198 counts of violating the peace order.

The Grouch kept clinging to his crackpot theory that doing exactly what the judge told him not to do wasn’t a violation of the judge’s order and that I was responsible for avoiding him.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 13th. 12:41 PM If @wjjhoge would just be a (BLEEP)ing GROWN UP and BLOCK ME and quit being such a (BLEEP)ing KNOB, the everything will be fine.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Only 20 pages this time.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

JOHN: (FULL MIKE) There you go.

COMMISSIONER: Hang on while I make copies for you. Only 88 this time?

JOHN: Yeah, but in just 24 hours.

COMMISSIONER: Let me assign a case number.

ANNOUNCER: There’s a nip in the air these days as autumn moves toward winter. One good way to fight the chill is a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now, back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 14th. 8:34 PM. Well (BLEEP) @wjjhoge. He can either block me and be done with me, or he can take what he gets. (BLEEP) him. He is not the boss.

COMMISSIONER: Hello, Mr. Hoge.

JOHN: I’ve got another 29 for you.

COMMISSIONER: Have you tried to block him?

JOHN: Since this started back in February, he’s used over 20 different identities on Twitter. He’s used two different accounts this month. Blocking him is a losing game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, he could solve the problem by simply obeying the peace order.

COMMISSIONER: (FADING OUT) Well, raise you right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm …

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) While he doesn’t seem very smart, like a flatworm, The Grouch is capable of turning away from sufficiently adverse stimuli—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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Perhaps The Grouch finds certain legal paperwork cheaper by the dozen.

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