This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran three years ago today.
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ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—
SOUND: Caller’s POV. Phone rings twice. Line picked up.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Hello.
JOHNNY: Good morning, Pete. It’s Johnny Atsign. You left a message on my answering machine.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Right. I was checking to see how the investigation was going on The Grouch’s story about his banking problem.
JOHNNY: I was just writing up my notes. I can give you a brief summary over the phone.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Return to Sender Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Elvis Address unknown. No such number. No such zone.
JOHNNY: Earlier this year, The Grouch claimed that he was having trouble with one of his government benefit payments and that the problem was caused by someone reporting him for fraud. He frothed at the keyboard of a couple of days, warning that whoever had ratted him out would suffer the direst of dire direness when he found out who the culprit was.
Of course, none of the details of his story made sense, so I decided to make a call to a former colleague who worked at the agency’s Office of the Inspector General.
IG GUY: (Telephone Filter. Fading up) … shouldn’t need his banking information unless he was changing banks.
JOHNNY: That’s what I thought. Whenever I’ve dealt with you folks, all you’ve needed was my Social Security Number and sometimes the file number for a particular claim.
IG GUY: (Telephone Filter) You said he’s been moving a lot.
JOHNNY: Uh, huh. Four or five times since January 1st.
IG GUY: (Telephone Filter) He probably didn’t respond to some piece of mail that wasn’t forwarded. That can sometimes get things placed on hold.
JOHNNY: So it’s more likely that he caused the problem himself rather than someone filing a complaint.
IG GUY: (Telephone Filter) Well, it would be illegal for me to tell you if there was an open investigation, but the race is usually to the swift, and the battle is usually to the strong.
JOHNNY: OK. What about his threat to go after whoever filed a complaint?
IC GUY: (Telephone Filter) We’re required by law to protect that person’s anonymity if such a person exists.
ANNOUNCER: I just finished the last of my Christmas shopping. Most of the gifts are coming from Amazon—I got great Cyber Monday deals—but the stocking stuffers are coming from The Hogewash Store. There are all sorts of interesting goodies available there. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar.
JOHNNY: (Fading up) … so it looks like another example of The Grouch jumping to a wrong conclusion and then making up a story to fit his imagined “facts.”
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Which is what we expected all along.
JOHNNY: Do you want me to send you a copy of the notes?
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) No. I’ve got the gist of what happened, enough for some PLM.
JOHNNY: OK. Have FUN.
JOHNNY TWEETS: @TheGrouch Filed those change of address forms yet?
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? More remembrances of things past. Join us, won’t you.
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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It may be that The Grouch keeps up his cycle of jobs and retirement because he can’t keep the paperwork associated with either straight.