During one of his turns as editor of Breitbart Unmasked Bunny Billy Boy Unread, Matt Osborne tried to make a lame joke about my seeing myself as the Sheriff of the Internet. My response was the Blogsmoke series of posts. Stirring in Bill Schmalfeldt’s reference to the Gentle Reader of this blog as my lickspittles resulted in the creation of the Lickspittle Broadcasting System with Blognet and Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. Today is Hogewash!‘s ninth anniversary. This anniversary Blogsmoke program is from five years ago today.

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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

JOHN: Today is a big day around here at LBS. We’re celebrating the fourth anniversary of the Hogewash! blog. The entire crew is getting together in Studio A for a party.

SOUND: Footsteps out. Door opens to party background. Door closes. Party background stays up.

SMITH: Hey, Sheriff! It’s about time you got here. What can I get you?

JOHN: The usual, Liz. Thanks.

JOHNNY: Hey Sheriff! Have you ever met Bob?

JOHN: No, he’s never done a BLOGSMOKE episode.

BOB BAILEY: Well, I have a certain warm spot in my heart for Johnny’s program.

JOHN: That makes sense. There is a sort of kinship. What would it take to get you to do an episode of BLOGSMOKE?

BOB BAILEY: You mean other than this one? I’d be happy to do one. Just have them write me into the script.

SMITH: Here’s your drink, Sheriff.

JOHN: Mmmm, thanks, Liz. Where’s Joe?

SMITH: He’s around here someplace. The last time I saw him he was talking to Rule 5 Girl.

SOUND: Party background cross fade to …

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

NARRATOR: I usually only get to do the BLOGNET narration, but today it’s my turn to do the commercial.

Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from one of the brand new Murum Aries Attigit tea tumblers. It keeps my iced tea cool in the summer, and it will keep my tea hot this winter. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store.  Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

SOUND: Party background.

RULE 5 GIRL: How’s it goin’, Sheriff?

JOHN: Hello. I didn’t think you would make it. We never seem get to talk except over the phone.

RULE 5 GIRL: Yes, but being unseen adds to the mystery that’s supposed to surround me.

FRIDAY: I glad to get the whole gang together. This party was a good idea, Sheriff.

JOHN: Thanks, but I can’t take the credit. I was suggested by someone who reads the blog.

FRIDAY: OK, a big thank you to him too.

JOHN: Yep. Today’s a day off. Let’s kick back and have a good time.

ALL: Thanks for tuning in!

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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As the gang said five years ago, “Thanks for tuning in!”