This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign is from six years ago today.
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SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny!
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, have you checked PACER this evening?
JOHNNY: Not yet. What will I find?
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber has filed another pleading in his copyright lawsuit.
JOHNNY: I’m not surprised. He’s just about to run out of time to serve Bomber Unmasked or have the suit kicked out.
RULE 5 GIRL: He’s asking the judge to find Bomber Unmasked in default.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Hey, @Bomberunmasked Did you miss mail call?
JOHNNY: An anonymous blogger had been running a parody account under the name Bomber Unmasked making fun of The Bomber and his supporters on the Internet. The Bomber had sued the anonymous blogger along with four others in state court and over twenty others in federal court for being a racketeering organization engaged in fraud, civil rights violations, defamation, malicious this and that, and mopery with intent to lurk. Additionally, The Bomber had filed a copyright infringement suit against Bomber Unmasked, claiming that uses of his likeness from various music video were copyright violations.
Like I said, Bomber Unmasked is an anonymous blogger. At one time or another, The Bomber or his buddies has accused a dozen or so different people of being Bomber Unmasked. It was pretty obvious that The Bomber was clueless. He had no idea who to serve papers on as Bomber Unmasked in his lawsuits. He finally asked the court in the copyright suit to simply declare that Bomber Unmasked had been served because he or she or they were making fun of the lawsuit on the Internet. The court said, “No,” and gave him a couple of weeks to show cause why the case shouldn’t be thrown out for lack of service of process.
At the last minute, The Bomber told the court that he had identified two people as being responsible for the Bomber Unmasked accounts, and the court gave him summonses for those individuals and 120 days to serve them. Once again, The Bomber told the court at the last minute that he had tried to serve the two individuals, but they had dodged service. He filed a motion asking the court to declare them in default. He offered the Certified Mail green cards as evidence.
I forwarded The Bomber’s exhibit to a guy who does document analysis for me.
SOUND: Knocking on door.
GEEK: (Through Door) Come on in, Atsign.
SOUND: Door opens and closes.
GEEK: So you’re here about those green cards?
JOHNNY: Yep. What can you tell me?
GEEK: Well, first of all, look at this one. Check out the way the Certified Mail box is marked.
JOHNNY: It has an ‘X’ in it.
GEEK: Uh, huh. Now, look at the Restricted Delivery box.
JOHNNY: A check mark. Oh … if the boxes were marked at the same time, why are the marks different?
GEEK: Also, if you compare the check mark with the other writing on the card, the line widths are different and the ink color is slightly shifted, suggesting that a different pen was used.
JOHNNY: I see …
GEEK: But here’s the real kicker: you can run mail tracking numbers at USPS.com. Here’s what the site shows for the tracking number on that card. Check out the services paid for.
JOHNNY: Certified Mail and Return Receipt.
GEEK: Compare that with the tracking report on this piece of mail.
JOHNNY: Certified Mail, Return Receipt, and Restricted Deliver. So you’re telling me …
GEEK: Atsign, I’m telling you that green card is bogus.
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JOHNNY: This wasn’t the first time The Bomber had been caught fudging the facts with respect to service of process in his lawsuits. One of the defendants in the federal RICO lawsuit had called him out for forging a summons. Pro Bono, the lawyer for most of the defendants, in the state suit, got him to confess to the same sort of alteration to a green card in open court during a hearing.
SOUND: (Skye rings once) Johnny Atsign.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, good work on those green cards!
JOHNNY: Thanks. I’ll tell my forensics guy.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) So how do you plan to get the news to Bomber Unmasked?
JOHNNY: The @Bomberunmasked Twitter account is still active. I’ll send a DM. I’m pretty sure that won’t be the only Twitter traffic on the subject.
PRO BONO TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Not again! Does he ever learn?
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono Stupid is as stupid does.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? Separate checks, please. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Some old dogs only know their old trick, and forging forgers gotta forge.