This episode of Blogsmoke first ran four years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
JOHN: The past four years have been interesting. Last year was a doozy. 2014 turned out reasonably well. 2013 and 2012 were downright weird. My codefendants and I have won all the LOLsuits The Bomber has filed against us, and its now time for some pushback.
SOUND: ROAD NOISE. CAR INTERIOR POV. BACKGROUND
SOUND: CELL PHONE RINGS TWICE.
RULE 5 GIRL: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Hey, John, have you seen Bunny Boy Unread today?
JOHN: No. I’ve been off in the Real World running errands. What’s up?
RULE 5 GIRL: (TELEPHONE FILTER) He’s got a post up about with edited court audio from that peace order hearing last year.
RULE 5 GIRL: (TELEPHONE FILTER) They’re trying to make it look like you’ve been lying about what was said in the hearing.
JOHN: Team Bomber is trying to prep things for some big, stupid move. What next?
RULE 5: (TELEPHONE FILTER) A bunch of motions to gum up the docket for your lawsuit?
JOHN: Why not? I’ll check it out when I get back home.
SOUND: BACKGROUND NOISE OUT.
JOHN: Team Bomber was all over teh Twitterz talking about how the audio they had published would be the end of my lawsuit. The real result was a lot of pointing and laughing at their ineptness. Of course, they doubled down, and of course, there was more pointing and laughing.
And the nonsense motions began rolling in. There was a motion to have me found a vexatious litigant—which contained no supporting evidence. There was an anti-SLAPP motion—which contained no supporting evidence. There was motion to quash subpoenas—that dealt with subpoenas The Bomber has no standing to oppose.
Then it got to be time for some pushback.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having one of those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Murum Aries Attigit travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or buy doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
THE BOMBER: (THROUGH SMALL SPEAKER. FADING IN) … hereby answer sexual predator, serial stalker, and Plaintiff …
JOHN: The Bomber filed something he called an “answer,” but it didn’t meet the requirements of the Maryland Rules. So while I waited to see if a proper answer would be filed, I began opposing The Bomber’s frivolous motions.
I waited … (PAUSE) and waited … (PAUSE) and waited … (PAUSE) and then the 30 days allowed for an answer were up without a proper answer being filed.
SOUND: PHONE RINGS TWICE. CALLER’S POV.
JOHN: I filed the request for default.
AARON: Good. That means he’s got to deal with the same problem in both lawsuits.
JOHN: Yeah. I wonder if he’ll learn enough dealing with the issue in your case to know how to handle his problem in mine.
AARON: It’s possible, and you need to be prepared for that, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Look at how has made the same mistakes over and over in all four suits he’s filed against you.
JOHN: Uh, huh, but it looks like he’s finally figured out res judicata. He did drop me from that fifth suit, the one he just filed in state court.
AARON: Yeah, but he’s left you in the federal appeal of the original case.
JOHN: That’s really what I called about. You’re admitted to practice in the Fourth Circuit, aren’t you?
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Who knows what drivel lurks in the hearts of men? Perhaps we will find out in a future episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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It turned out that the Fourth Circuit didn’t find The Bomber’s case very appealing, but that a story for another episode.