This Blognet episode is from six years ago today.
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MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A noted anti-First-Amendment activist is seeking a peace order against a blogger, accusing him of assault. Your job … get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Wednesday, January 11th. It was chilly in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 6:47 am when I got to Room S-140. Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out.
SMITH: You’re in a bit early today, Joe.
FRIDAY: Yeah, I’m not sure why. It just seemed like a morning to get started early.
SOUND: Computer boot tone.
SMITH: You’ve never struck me as a morning person.
SOUND: Coffee poured.
FRIDAY: I’m not usually.
SOUND: Coffee cup set down.
FRIDAY: Mmmm. Thanks, Liz. I could use some more caffeine.
SOUND: Chair pulled out. Typing on keyboard.
SMITH: I’ve been going through the overnight report.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: Yeah, and here’s one that seems interesting.
SOUND: Typing on keyboard.
FRIDAY: I’m logged in. Which one?
SMITH: Look at the top of sheet 2. A blogger charged with an assault in a courthouse. Something’s bugging me about that, but I can’t put my finger on it.
FRIDAY: Yeah. It’s pretty strange, but … oh, I see … Look at the names. Do any of them ring a bell?
SMITH: Maybe. Help me out here.
FRIDAY: I’ll bet you’ve seen one of the names in the newspaper. Maybe not one the front page. In the comics.
SMITH: The funnies?
FRIDAY: Yeah, but how he got there was no laughing matter.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: The name I was recognizing was Timberland. Bart Timberland was a convicted drug smuggler and domestic bomber who was out on parole. While he had been in prison, he had claimed to be a drug dealer to a prominent politician, and his claims has been promoted in a comic strip. There’s no way to make up some of the stuff we run into on this job.
Apparently, Timberland had gotten into some sort of legal wrangling with a blogger, and another blogger, a lawyer named Strider, offered some pro bono help. That brought the lawyer on to Timberland’s radar and set the scene for a confrontation on the 9th floor of the Montgomery County Circuit Courthouse.
We decided to keep an eye on the case.
Wednesday, February 8th. 1:02 pm.
SMITH: Hey, Joe, the result of the Timberland peace order trial just popped up.
SMITH: He got his peace order. This stinks.
FRIDAY: Yeah. Something’s wrong here. The altercation occurred in a courthouse. There should be surveillance video that would show what happened.
SOUND: Telephone picked up. Number dialed.
FRIDAY: Good afternoon. It’s Joe Friday at Twitter Town Internet Detail. … How’s it goin’, Fred? … Say, I was wondering about getting access to to courthouse surveillance video down there. Who would I talk to? … Could you transfer me? … OK, I’ll hold. … Hey, Mary, it’s Joe Friday. … No, I don’t get down there much. I’m looking for some surveillance video. … The 9th floor lobby of the Circuit Courthouse. … The 8th of February. … Yes. I’ll hold. … Yes. I’m still here. … Uh, huh. Can you uploaded it? … How about a DVD? … Do you have the address up here in Westminster? … Thanks. No, nothing else. … Good to talk to you again, too. … Goodbye.
SOUND: Receiver hung up.
Technical Services in Montgomery County was able to retrieve the video we wanted. The whole day was preserved in stop-action running at a rate around one frame per second. The DVD came in the mail the next Monday.
February 13th, 11:34 am.
SMITH: There’s a package from Montgomery County for you in the mail.
SOUND: Envelope opened.
FRIDAY: It’s the video. Let’s take a look.
SOUND: Typing on keyboard. DVD into slot.
FRIDAY: It took a while to scroll forward through the video. Then Timberland emerged from the courtroom into the lobby followed by Strider. Timberland seemed to raise something up in Strider’s face, and Strider snatched it from him.
SMITH: Rewind that, and play it again, Joe.
SMITH: Did you see Timberland go down?
SMITH: But he says that Strider decked him.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
SMITH: I don’t think he could be knocked down and get back up all in a second or two. At least one frame should show him off balance. Or knocked down. But he’s solidly on his feet from frame to frame.
FRIDAY: Yeah. And you never see Strider wind up for a punch.
SMITH: Which means …
FRIDAY: That a convicted perjurer has been caught in another lie. We need to get this to Strider and the lawyer handling his appeal.
SMITH: Strider should do better with this evidence.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Seeing is believing.
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: On April 11th, an appeal trial was held in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County in the matter of Timberland v. Strider. In a moment the results of that trial.
PINKY: Look, Brain … the boss has got a lot more stuff than mousepads for sale at The Hogewash Store.
ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. There’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store. There are shirts, and bags, and drinkware, and all sorts of other interesting items. Loyal members of Team Likckspittle can show their support by shopping today. And did you know that there’s another way as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar on the Home page.
NARRATOR: On April 11th, trial de novo was held in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County in the matter of Timberland v. Strider. After Timberland presented his case, the court ruled that he had not established the elements of any offense triggering a peace order. The court dismissed the case without Strider having to present a defense.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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So a perjurer got caught telling a lie. I’d wear my shocked face, but it isn’t back from the cleaners.