Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

This episode of Blognet is from five years ago today. It’s one of my favorites.

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BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A group of bloggers have arranged to have a combination party and awards ceremony during an upcoming convention. Threats have been made against the gathering of a demonstration by unknown individuals. Your job … identify them.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual crime. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end. From crime to punishment. Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps along sidewalk.

FRIDAY: It was Thursday, March 14th. It was clear and cold in PG County. We were working a stakeout for Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff, W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 2:58 pm when we got to 172 Fleet Street.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.

MANAGER: Yes? May I help you?

FRIDAY: Mr. Key?


FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday. This is my partner Officer Smith.

SMITH: How do you do, Mr. Key?

MANAGER: Oh, you’re here about the event this evening.

FRIDAY: Yes, sir. We’re here just to observe. Security is being handled by your local police and the protective details for the politicians.

MANAGER: What can I do for you?

SMITH: We understand that you’re busy with preparations, but could you tell us about the calls you received?

MANAGER: There wasn’t much to them. One came for that Timberland fellow. The other came from one of his associates.

FRIDAY: Roughhouser?

MANAGER: Yes. That was the name.

SMITH: What did they say?

MANAGER: Roughhouser didn’t really say much, but Timberland gave me an earful.

FRIDAY: How’s that?

MANAGER: He went on and on about how we shouldn’t do business with the people who’ve booked the club this evening. He claimed that he would go online and organize a boycott, that he had links to groups with hundreds of thousands of members. He threatened us with a demonstration this evening led by a fiery imam because of some sort of anti-Islamic something or other associated with someone who would be here. It didn’t make much sense.

FRIDAY: Well, you did the right thing by report this. Timberland has been convicted of a violent crime, a bombing, but I don’t think we’ll see anything fiery.

MANAGER: Why not?

FRIDAY: He’s never used napalm.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Liz and I nosed around the area for the next few hours. We visited other businesses along the block and made arrangements to get copies of that evening’s surveillance videos from cameras along the street.

6:33 pm. We returned to the venue and took up positions where we could see who was coming and going through the front and rear entrances. Liz had the front. I had the rear.

SOUND: Crowded nightclub background.

FRIDAY: Most stakeouts result in terminal boredom. Not this one. 9:02 pm.

SOUND: Two-way radio breaks squelch.

SMITH: (Telephone Filter) Joe, I’ve got a live one.

SOUND: Squelch tail followed by second squelch break.

FRIDAY: (Telephone Filter) Nothing, here. I’m on my way up front.

SOUND: Squelch tail.

FRIDAY: (Full mike) I worked my way through the crowd to the front of the club where Liz was watching.

SMITH: That’s the guy. The one in the blue parka.

FRIDAY: The one with the Nikon?

SMITH: Yeah. He’s been taking pictures and yelling things at people as they come and go.

FRIDAY: That’s it? Not much of a demonstration.

SOUND: Cell phone rings.

FRIDAY: Hello … yes, boss … OK … thanks for the heads up.

SMITH: What’s up?

FRIDAY: The boss says that it looks like either Timberland or his buddies are tweeting about what’s happening here in real time.

SMITH: Well, this guy couldn’t be doing it. He’s busy taking pictures.

FRIDAY: There’s someone else out there. If we don’t spot ’em tonight, they’ll turn up on one or more of the surveillance videos. Meanwhile, let’s get what we can on this guy. He’s a new face and a new lead.

SMITH: OK, let me get a couple of good shots of him.

SOUND: SLR camera, a couple shots.

FRIDAY: Yeah. A picture’s worth a thousand words.

SOUND: Club background out.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On May 18th, the photographer in blue was identified. In a moment the result of that identification.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? If you are, you should be showing you support by wearing a Team t-shirt, sweatshirt, or hoodie. They’re just some of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On May 18th, the photographer in blue was identified as Craig Razor, a performer in a music video made by a group associated with Timberland. Subsequent research confirmed that Razor is an ex-convict who served time on child pornography charges.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System. Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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There’s probably some sort of dull razor joke to be made out of this, but I’m not up to the effort right now and that would just scratch the surface of the pointage, laughery, and mockification some of the characters deserve.

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