This episode of Blogsmoke is from three years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Quiet restaurant background with juke box playing oldies. Door opens and closes from the street.
PINKY: Howdy, Sheriff.
JOHN: Hi. Mind if I join you?
FRIDAY: There’s room for one more in the booth.
PINKY: How’d it go today?
JOHN: Pretty good. I got most of what I wanted.
SMITH: Oh, that’s right. That hearing with The Grouch.
JOHN: Yeah. He managed to dodge getting sanctioned, but he’s now going to have to fully answer another interrogatory and all of the requests for production of documents.
BRAIN: All of ‘em?
JOHN: (Fading out) All eleven. The judge wasn’t too …
JUDGE: (Fading up) … but that’s not what is before the court today. The question is, “Did you answer Mr. Hoge’s interrogatories?”
THE GROUCH: No. I did not.
JUDGE: I’m going to allow you 10 days to answer them fully, and you must answer them as required by the Maryland Rules. You can’t just send an email. It’s obvious from the docket that the parties have been involved in lawsuits in other venues, and none of them are inexperienced. The court expects that you will follow the Rules.
You need to properly serve your answers on Mr. Hoge by the fifteenth, and you need to send the court a certificate of service when you do. Do you understand what I am ordering you to do?
THE GROUCH: Let me see if I can play this back. I am to provide the answers in writing to Mr. Hoge, and since he doesn’t like my email anymore, I’ll use First Class Mail. And I am to send a notice to the court that I served him.
JUDGE: That is correct. Mr. Hoge, do you have anything else to bring before the court at this time.
JOHN: No, Your Honor.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: If you’re like the Twitter Town Internet Sheriff, you receive lots of mails and emails and you sometimes have to lug hard copies around. A Team Lickspittle Messenger Bag is a great way to keep your paperwork organized while you’re on the go. It’s just one of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
SOUND: Crossfade back from music to restaurant background.
WAITRESS: Hi, Sheriff, the usual?
JOHN: No, let me have a Coke Zero this evening?
WAITRESS: OK. Are you guys staying for dinner?
FRIDAY: I am.
SMITH: No. My oldest has a soccer game. I need to run.
PINKY: I think so.
BRAIN: Yes, we will.
WAITRESS: OK. I’ll get the Sheriff’s drink and be back to take you dinner orders.
LIZ: I’d better get going.
JOHN: See you Monday, Liz.
FRIDAY: So what’s next.
JOHN: The Grouch is trying to spin a tale about not being served a copy of my petition for the show cause order.
PINKY: Is there anything to it?
JOHN: He may think so, but I have the receipts from the Post Office for mailing the letters with the service to him and The Bomber. If he didn’t get the mail, it’s because he was playing games, not me.
SOUND: Background out.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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The Grouch fancied himself a Grand Inquisitor of Twitter, but never seemed able to answer simple interrogatories in a lawsuit.