Here’s an episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign from five years ago today.
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SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny, I missed seeing you at CPAC this year.
JOHNNY: Yeah, I missed seeing you, too, but I had to work.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Really? What was more important than seeing me?
JOHNNY: There was an investigation coming to a head. I had to see it through.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Can you tell me about it?
JOHNNY: Not everything. At least, not just yet. But there’s a little bit I can talk about.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The No Pings Only Matter.
THE GROUCH TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) I sent the email. So put me in jail.
JOHNNY: As I’ve told you before, The Grouch isn’t able to abide by a request to leave someone else alone. As a result he wound up in front of a Circuit Court judge at a show cause hearing for contempt. That was a result of his sending pingbacks and other messages in violation of a peace order.
Most people with with an above-room-temperature IQ would have broken off contact at that point—but not The Grouch. He started sending emails. Still, this was bizarre behavior even for The Grouch.
Even more weird, my client wasn’t the only person receiving those emails from The Grouch.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … so you can see why we’re puzzled by these emails.
JOHNNY: Sure. I think you’re correct in identifying The Grouch as the actual sender. That other name has been suspected as being one of his sock puppets.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) Sock Puppet?
JOHNNY: Yeah. That’s an Internet term for an account operated under an assumed name.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) OK. Now, what about this other guy that seems to be linked to all this?
JOHNNY: The Bomber? I’m kinda surprised that you turned his name up—that’s good detective work—but, yeah, The Grouch is a known associate. The Bomber has provided support to The Grouch in his harassment of my client, and he sued my client for a million bucks in state court. And lost.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) So it sounds like they both have grudges against your guy.
JOHNNY: Yeah. The Bomber still has a RICO suit for a couple of million going against my client.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) RICO? Who are the other conspirators?
JOHNNY: Oh, Glenn Beck, Michelle Malkin, Erick Erickson, and a bunch of other media people and organizations.
ANNOUNCER: I like long-sleeve t-shirts, and one of my favorites is the Hogewash! Res Judicata t-shirt. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … appreciate the help you’ve given.
JOHNNY: What’s next for you?
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) I have a few more leads to run down internally, but this looks pretty straightforward.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) There a couple of possible angles. Making a false statement could be charged as a felony. So could the harassment charge, and it could carry a much stiffer penalty.
JOHNNY: Uh, huh.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) On the other hand, the prosecutors may decide that he’s in enough trouble already with the peace order beef up in Carroll County and decide not to bother with the case.
JOHNNY: Yeah. That happens. Well, let me know if you need anything else.
INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) Right. Thanks, Mr. Atsign.
SOUND: Line hung up, called party’s POV.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch No pings only! No emails either! Including third parties.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? A stacked deck, you say? Perhaps, but do you know the rules of Fizzbin? Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Sometime our fantasies are best kept to ourselves lest someone take them seriously and investigate them and us.