Here’s an episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign which first ran six years ago today.
* * * * *
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: (Groggy) Johnny Atsign.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny!
JOHNNY: (Suddenly Awake) Well, hello …
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Have you checked your DMs this morning.
JOHNNY: Not yet. I haven’t even had my coffee.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Check ’em.
JOHNNY: What’s up?
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) You’ll see.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.
BOMBERUNMASKED DMs: (SYNTH VOICE) Mr. Atsign, are you free.
JOHNNY: The anonymous blogger Bomberunmasked knew that I was a fan of the old British sitcom Are You Being Served?, and was using one of that show’s tag lines to get my attention. Hey, why can’t a guy who does old-time radio be a fan of a ’70s TV show?
Something was up.
JOHNNY DMs: (SYNTH VOICE) Yes, I’m free.
BOMBERUNMASKED DMs: (SYNTH VOICE) Check your email in a few minutes.
JOHNNY: So I went and made some coffee, poured myself a cup, opened my laptop, and logged in to my email. One popped up from Bomberunmasked.
BOMBERUNMASKED: (SYNTH VOICE) No, I’m not being served, but other people are being contacted at random. Others are being suggested as being me. It’s all quite confusing. Perhaps, I’m not who I am any more. LOL. The Bomber is running out of time to serve me in all of the lawsuits, and he still has not idea who I really am. Of course, the only people who know my identity are lawyers I consulted. No one else knows for sure.
Still, I need your help. I need to find as many errors as possible in The Bomber’s filings with the court. It will help me protect my anonymity or, if The Bomber does breach it, defend myself.
JOHNNY: I emailed my reply saying that I would help. Next, I logged in to PACER, the federal courts’ online document system, and downloaded everything The Bomber had filed in the two cases he had going there against Bomberunmasked, but I still needed to build a file on the state lawsuit as well.
SOUND: Telephone rings twice. Caller’s POV.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Hello.
JOHNNY: Aaron, it’s Johnny. Have you got copies of The Bomber’s filings in the state lawsuit that you can share?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Sure. Who’re you working for?
JOHNNY: One of your codefendants.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Ah, client confidentiality. Well, tell Bomberunmasked, “Hello!” for me.
JOHNNY: When can I get the paperwork.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) If you don’t need hard copy, I can send you PDFs this morning.
JOHNNY: That will be great.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber is pretty verbose in his writing. The files are rather large, so I’ll have to break them up into several emails.
ANNOUNCER: The snow’s almost all gone from the ground outside the studio here in Westminster, but all of us here at LBS are looking forward to warmer weather when we can wear our Team Lickspittle t-shirts. Check out the selection at The Hogewash Store. You’ll find men and women’s designs featuring the logos of Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, and The Grand Hog. They’re just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.
JOHNNY: The Bomber had already been caught altering evidence submitted in both the state and federal defamation lawsuits. Several of the defendants in those cases had raised that issue to the judges. The state court judge had used one bogus document as the basis for denying one of the The Bomber’s motions in that case.
There was a second federal case in which Bomberunmasked was the sole defendant. It was a copyright case. The Bomber was claiming that using his image from music videos for parody was a copyright violation. I needed to look into that case a bit more. There was hardly anything there. Because The Bomber didn’t know who Bomberunmasked was, he hadn’t be able to serve anyone. With no one served, there had been to answer or motion to dismiss.
I spent the next few days looking for new loose threads in the investigation.
AARON TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Check PACER.
JOHNNY: I logged in to PACER for the umpteenth time, and there it was—smack dab in the middle of the defamation suit docket—a motion for the copyright case. Apparently, the staff in the Clerk’s office were so used to putting The Bomber’s numerous filings there, they inadvertently put his copyright paperwork there too. I was a motion to declare Bomberunmasked served in the copyright lawsuit without The Bomber actually having to do all the steps required for service of process.
One of the exhibits he included showed a Certified Mail green card with the Restricted Delivery box checked. That was another bogus document, and I could prove it. You see, The Bomber had filed a copy of his mailing receipt with the court in the defamation case, and that showed that he hadn’t paid for Restricted Delivery.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Bomberunmask You aren’t being served?
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? Some people don’t know how to mind their own business. Join us, won’t you.
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
* * * * *
Sometimes, lying liars gotta forge too.