Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


This episode of Blogsmoke first ran five years ago today.

* * * * *

BlogsmokeSOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JOHN: It wasn’t that long ago that The Grouch had to haul himself up to Westminster to a show cause hearing for contempt of court. He had continued to violate a peace order, and I decided that the best approach would be to treat it as a civil matter and let the Circuit Court enforce its own order rather than involve the District Court via one or more criminal charges. The judge took the matter under advisement after the hearing.

With contempt pending, you’d think that The Grouch would have been trying to be careful, that he would have gone out of his way to avoid contacting me or harassing me.

He didn’t.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … doesn’t make any sense. I agree. However, we have to follow up with a formal complaint filed.

JOHN: I understand. You’re just doing your job.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) I appreciate your cooperation. I believe I have everything I need for now. Can you think of anything I’ve missed?

JOHN: No. You can pick up most of those documents from the Circuit Courthouse. I’ll put together a zip file of the others and email them to you, but it may take until tomorrow morning to get some of the files from backup storage.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) There’s no great rush. The Clerk’s office won’t be open over the weekend, and Monday’s a holiday. It’s not as if he’s contacting you directly at the moment.

JOHN: OK, but I’ll try to get it done before I forget.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: It’s been cold. Really cold. The overnight low last night was below zero, and the high today was well below freezing. Tonight’s not supposed to be much warmer. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie as an extra layer of warm clothing. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: It turned out that The Grouch decided that he could resume contacting me.

SOUND: Door knocker. Footsteps. Door opened.

JOHN: Come in.

SIMPSON: I’m Deputy Simpson. This my partner Deputy Willis.

JOHN: Come on in to the kitchen. I’ve got the stuff for you in there.

SOUND: Door closed. Footsteps.

SIMPSON: (Over footsteps) Dispatch said this had to do with a peace order.

JOHN: That’s right. Here, have a seat.

SOUND: Chairs pulled out.

JOHN: I’ve got everything laid out for you in this file.

SIMPSON: Uh, huh.

JOHN: The first sheet is a copy of the peace order for your reference. The next is the email he sent me.

SIMPSON: OK. What are the next couple of pages?

JOHN: The next two are tweets he sent admitting to sending the email.

WILLIS: Are those from your account or his?

JOHN: His.

SIMPSON: And the rest of this?

JOHN: That’s contact information for people doing related investigations.

WILLIS: We’ll write this up and present it to the State’s Attorney.

SIMPSON: Of course, we’ll pass along what you’ve given us to CID.

JOHN: Thanks, guys.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

* * * * *

In the world of fiction one of the other investigations would have been handled by Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith. If this had been a Real World case, …

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