This episode of Blogsmoke first ran six years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
JOHN: (FADE IN) Is the tracking number legible?
RULE 5 GIRL: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Let me look. Mmmm … Yes, it is.
JOHN: Good. I think I need to make a trip to the Post Office this morning.
The reason that I needed to go to the Post Office was that The Bomber was claiming to have sent me a package of court papers for the RICO Madness lawsuit that I had complained to the judge about not receiving.
SOUND: (BUSY POST OFFICE. BACKGROUND.)
JOHN: When the postal clerk ran the tracking number through their system, she got the same result as The Grouch had published—a result inconsistent with the claim that the documents had been properly mailed. A notice had be left somewhere two minutes after the mail was sorted here in Westminster, and the package had been determined to be “Undeliverable as Addressed.” A search of the holding and sorting areas showed that they had noting on hold for either me or my address.
CLERK: That’s the best we can do on a Saturday. Let me have your phone number, and a supervisor will call you on Monday. It will probably be the Assistant Postmaster.
CLERK: If it hasn’t been returned already and it has your name or address on it, we’ll find it, one way or another.
JOHN: (FADE OUT.) Thanks. It will probably be easiest to reach me in the afternoon …
SOUND: (CROSSFADE TO MUSIC.)
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
SOUND: (ROAD NOISE. CAR INTERIOR POV.)
AARON: Thanks for buying lunch.
JOHN: No problem. I figured that we both had something to file today, so we might as well meet face-to-face down here near the courthouse.
AARON: Well, thanks again. That’s a good pho shop.
JOHN: One of the Vietnamese guys I used to work with turned me on to it.
AARON: Did you ever get The Bomber’s package?
JOHN: Not the first one. It was returned to him as undeliverable. He sent a second one the day after I filed the motion to strike his stuff for lack of service to me.
AARON: Sent to the correct address this time.
JOHN: Yep. The first one was addressed to 29 Ridge Road instead of 20. We’ll probably never know whether he put the tail on the zero that turned it into a nine on purpose or from carelessness. But either way, it’s a problem for him.
AARON: Uh, huh. Either he was messing with you, or he didn’t show due diligence. That’s a no-win situation for him.
JOHN: Ah, here’s the courthouse. And … there’s a good parking spot. I’ll snag it, and we can go on in to the Clerk’s Office.
SOUND: (FADE ROAD NOISE.)
ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re still cleaning up from that 20 inch snow dump on Thursday and there’s 2 or 3 more inches forecast for tonight. It’s cold, but not so cold that I’ve needed a heavy coat while shoveling snow. My Team Lickspittle Zip Hoodie had the perfect balance of warmth and light weight to keep me comfortable. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend you hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some of that cash to support Team Lickspittle.
And now back to our story.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
SOUND: (TELEPHONE RINGING. CALLER’S POV. CALL ANSWERED.)
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Hello.
JOHN: Aaron, it’s John. Check your email. I just sent you something.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) OK. I see it. PACER document number 61. What is it?
JOHN: Open it up. It’s The Bomber’s latest filing in the RICO Madness. It’s an opposition to one of your motions.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Uh, huh. What?!? Does he really believe that I can’t represent myself in a federal court? He’s losing it.
JOHN: Oh, that’s the saner stuff. Skip down to paragraph 12.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) OK. (PAUSE) (LAUGHTER.) Wow! He is losing it! He can’t think that the judge will buy this?
JOHN: Keep reading.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Whoa! I can’t imagine this sort of bigoted crap sitting well with the judge.
JOHN: (FADE OUT.) I can’t see it either. I imagine you’ll have fun with your reply …
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) It’s been said that truth is strange than fiction because fiction has to make sense—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Failed forgeries and screwed up paperwork seem to be a common theme with some people.