The fictional detectives of the various Lickspittle Broadcasting System programs aren’t the only people who have been looking into … well … um … I’ll just say that this episode of Blognet first ran four years ago today and is a work of fiction.
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NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A defamation lawsuit has been filed against a group of bloggers by a noted Anti-First-Amendment activist. Your job … get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Thursday, July 10th. It was a hot summer day in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 3:52 pm when I entered Room S-121. Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Heavy box dropped on table.
SMITH: Just one box? I thought Timberland told the judge during the summary judgment hearing that there were 10,000 pages of discovery he had to provide.
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
FRIDAY: Yeah, just the one box, but it probably has close to two thousand pages in it.
SMITH: These aren’t the originals, are they?
FRIDAY: No. The defense lawyer kept those to maintain a chain of custody on the evidence. These are copies. We should be careful with this stuff, but we can mark things up if we need to.
SMITH: Our watch is over in a few minutes. Is this hot enough that we need to put in some overtime?
FRIDAY: Maybe, but not this evening. The trial isn’t until next month.
SMITH: Good. Both kids have got ball games this evening.
FRIDAY: Yeah, and they’re both doing better than Timberland.
FRIDAY: They’re both batting over .300.
FRIDAY: So far, Timberland keeps striking out.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: Friday, July 11th. We stated reviewing the Timberland materials first thing that morning.
SMITH: Joe, most of this is junk.
FRIDAY: Does that surprise you?
SMITH: No, I guess not, but if this is the sort of evidence Timberland has, his case is dead in the water.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. I haven’t seen anything that helps him, but there are a couple of things I’ve seen that could help the defendants. Take a look at this.
SMITH: I see what you mean. Those type faces don’t match.
FRIDAY: Yeah. If some of the boxes on the form were filed in by hand, that wouldn’t raise suspicion, but two different fonts? Let’s set this aside to check further.
SMITH: Now that you mention it, I’ve found a couple of things like that also. And there’s a bunch of incomplete documents as well. This is going to be more work than I thought.
FRIDAY: Liz was right. Monday, August 4th. 11:17 am.
SOUND: Knocking on door.
PRO BONO: (Muffled) Come in.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps.
PRO BONO: (Full mike) Good morning, Sergeant Friday, Detective Smith.
SMITH: Good morning.
SOUND: Door closes. Footsteps. Heavy box dropped on desk.
FRIDAY: Here’s the markups and our report.
PRO BONO: Have a seat.
SOUND: Chairs pulled out.
PRO BONO: What’s the summary?
FRIDAY: You were right. There’s no there there.
SMITH: At least not for Timberland. We found several things that may be useful for your clients.
PRO BONO: Oh?
SMITH: Of course, none of those documents are authenticated. Most of them can’t be, but some can be proven bogus.
FRIDAY: Counselor, you should hope Timberland really tries to base his case on this stuff.
PRO BONO: Really?
FRIDAY: If he uses it, he’ll make your case.
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: On August 11th and 12th, the lawsuit came to trial in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County. In a moment, the results of that trial.
ANNOUNCER: Cold weather’s coming. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap is the multi-tasker’s dream come true and a must have for all homes. Whether it’s watching TV while munching on snacks or chatting on the phone while surfing the web, do it all in the warmth and coziness of this thermo plush blanket. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap has sleeves and pockets for you to conveniently stash your phone, remote, or hands. It’s just one example of the Team Lickspittle, Johnny Atsign, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, Res Judicata, and Murum Aries Attigit goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, spend some money, and support Team Lickspittle. And remember, folks, you can also support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar or by doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.
NARRATOR: On August 11th and 12th, the lawsuit came to trial in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County. The court found Timberland’s case was so weak that it was not necessary for the defendants to put on their case. The court ordered a directed verdict in the defendants’ favor.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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The Real World Facts are much stranger than this Fiction.