Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

The general statute of limitation for most federal matters is five years, but the period is different for some things. This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, which first appeared two years ago today, takes note of that fact.

* * * * *

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hello! It’s good to hear from you again. What’s up?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Uh, huh. We haven’t talked for a while. I thought I’d give you a call to remind you of an important anniversary?

JOHNNY: Oh, what anniversary?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) October 29th, five years ago.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Another Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch We’ll take the trick.

JOHNNY: When I was a kid, there really was a guy in our neighborhood who would respond to “Trick or treat!” with “I’ll take the trick.” It wasn’t that he was too cheap to pass out treats. He wanted to see how creative we could be in coming up with a not-too-messy prank. And he handed out bags of popcorn after we’d “tricked” him.

Kid’s Halloween pranks usually aren’t too dangerous, but some Halloween pranks can go too far. One of my clients found this comment on his blog just before Halloween in 2012.

COMMENT: (SYNTH VOICE) Hope you don’t get swatted again on Halloween around, say, 10:15pm. Really hope that doesn’t happen, fucker.

JOHNNY: Of course, that was immediately reported to law enforcement. The client asked me to look into the threat also. His blogging software had captured the IP address that the comment had been sent from. As part of my investigation, I asked several of my sources if they had anything connected with that address. A few days later, my phone rang.

SOUND: Phone rings twice. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

SOURCE A: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny, I’ve got something for you.

JOHNNY: Whatcha got?

SOURCE A: (Telephone Filter) How about some emails from that IP address you were asking about.

ANNOUNCER: Autumn is here, and cool weather is settling in. Soon it will be time to sit by the fire with a hot drink. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? Why not sip that drink from a Johnny Atsign coffee mug? Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, The Grand Hog, Murum Aries Attigit, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar. Or you can do your Amazon shopping through the link on the Home page.

JOHNNY: (Fading up) … so it’s been five years. I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) And you know why that’s significant, right?

JOHNNY: Five years? Hmmm. Oh. The statute of limitations. The normal federal statute of limitations runs out in a few days.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Yeah. The perp will be home free.

JOHNNY: Well, not exactly. The default federal five year period may not be the only thing that applies. Because [redacted], so that’s going to last a lot longer.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) (Quiet Laughter)

JOHNNY TWEETS: @TheGrouch The joke’s on you.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? More remembrances of things past. Join us, won’t you.

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

* * * * *

BTW, the statutes of limitation of some federal and some Maryland crimes never expire.

1 thought on “Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

Leave a Reply