This episode of Blogsmoke first ran two years ago today.
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SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Oldies playing on jukebox in background. Door from street opens and closes. Footsteps across the room
FRIDAY: Howdy, Sheriff.
PINKY: Pull up a chair and join us.
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
JOHN: Thanks. How’s it going this evening?
SMITH: Have you seen that The Grouch rebranded again today?
JOHN: What? Do they no longer have free speech in Muscle Beach?
FRIDAY: (Chuckles) I guess not. He’s now DJ_Middlefinger.
BRAIN: Has he gone back to playing music instead of his political rants?
FRIDAY: No. It’s still politics. “DJ” as in “Donald J.” “Middlefinger” is a reference to a TV character.
WAITRESS: Hey, Sheriff. What can I get you?
JOHN: How fresh is the coffee?
WAITRESS: I just made some. It should be finished dripping in minute.
JOHN: Cream and sugar.
WAITRESS: As usual. Staying for supper?
JOHN: Yeah. Something simple tonight. A bacon cheeseburger and fries.
WAITRESS: Lettuce and tomato … ?
JOHN: And onions.
WAITRESS: OK. Anyone else?
SMITH: Not me. I’ve got to get home.
FRIDAY: I’ll have what the Sheriff’s having, but hold the onions.
WAITRESS: OK. And a refill on your tea?
FRIDAY: Uh, huh.
PINKY: I’ll go with an order of the spicy fired mozzarella balls.
BRAIN: Make that two.
WAITRESS: OK. I’ll put your orders in and be right back with the coffee and refill.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Summer ended this afternoon. It’s now autumn. Cool weather isn’t that far off, so it’s time to start thinking about warmer clothes. Either a Team Lickspittle hoodie or a The Grand Hog sweatshirt would be a great way to keep warm, and spending money at The Hogewash Store is a great way to support Team Lickspittle. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
BRAIN: (fading in …) … it was really mindbogglingly stupid to criticize someone whose music he’d never heard.
JOHN: Stupid? Perhaps. Really, it more like Dunning-Kruger-based arrogance.
JOHN: You’ve heard some of his recordings. Would you say they were the work of a talented, or even reasonably competent, musician?
BRAIN: Uh, no.
JOHN: We’re dealing with a group of people who have failed at almost everything they’ve tried. In this guy’s case, his identify seems to be rapped up in his attempts at music making, and he’s failing at that just as he’s failed at almost everything else. He not only needs to believe that he’s good, he needs to believe that he’s better than someone else.
PINKY: But he isn’t.
FRIDAY: He’d be better off if he just worked hard at something he can really do.
PINKY: But he keeps choosing to make a fool of himself.
JOHN: And so the mockification continues.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Failing failures gotta fail in Fiction and in Real Life.