Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran four years ago today.

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Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny. I’ve got a job for you.

JOHNNY: OK. What’s up?

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber has served one of my clients with a summons, and he almost did it right this time.

JOHNNY: Almost?

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Yeah. He paid for Restricted Delivery, and the USPS tracking shows Restricted Delivery was paid for, but the Post Office actually delivered it to someone else.

JOHNNY: He can’t seem to ever get this right.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) We’re accepting service, but I want you to look at what’s going on. We believe he’s messed up service on some others.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of the Going Postal Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber Having trouble playing post office?

JOHNNY: I knew that The Bomber had been having all sorts of trouble effecting service of process on several of the defendants in almost all of his lawsuits. He had been caught altering a Certified Mail green card that had been a part of exhibits in the first state case he filed against Pro Bono’s clients. In that instance, he was forced to admit in open court that he had altered the card. He had filed an unaltered copy with one motion and an altered copy with another motion, and one of Pro Bono’s clients noticed the discrepancy.

I was able to work with one of my tech guys to provided support for the alteration. I had this conversation back in April of last year.

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) Well, the obvious thing is that those copies of that green card mailed in January show different markings on what’s supposed to be the same card. That’s clearly bogus.

JOHNNY: Everyone’s picking up on that. What else have you got?

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) Oh, there’s more. I sent you an email a few minutes ago. Have you got it?

JOHNNY: Let me check.

SOUND: Typing on keyboard.

JOHNNY: Yeah. Here it is.

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) Scroll down to the blow up of the check marks on that green card.

JOHNNY: OK. I’ve got it.

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) That’s from the green card he mailed back in September. Look at the two check marks. The one in the Certified Mail check box is the same weight as all the other writing and marks on the card. Now, look at the mark in the Restricted Delivery box.

JOHNNY: It’s a finer line.

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) Bingo. Not only that, but the RGB values of the pixels in the two lines are enough different to convince me that they’re different colors of ink.

JOHNNY: Which means …

GEEK: (Telephone Filter) A different pen made that mark.

ANNOUNCER: Here in real world of Westminster, we’re having one of those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Murum Aries Attigit travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

JOHNNY: The Bomber tried the same scam about three months later, and, again, my tech guy was able to provide additional evidence of the tomfoolery.

GEEK: Well, first of all, the court exhibit you gave me from PACER is unusable. The resolution is too poor.

JOHNNY: I guessed that it would be.

GEEK: I downloaded the pictures that were posted on GoodGuysUnmasked. They were interesting.

JOHNNY: Oh?

GEEK: Yeah. Take a look at this picture of this card and compare it with the version the same card in his original exhibit.

JOHNNY: I see … They’re not the same. Both have the Restricted Delivery box checked, but the “before mailing” photo doesn’t have the Certified Mail box checked. The returned card does.

GEEK: What that tends to show is that he mailed the stuff with improperly marked cards. It doesn’t matter who put that “X” on the returned card. Also, The Bomber still has the problems of explaining why the USPS records show that he didn’t pay for Restricted Delivery and why there is insufficient postage on the one envelope that shows the amount paid.

JOHNNY: So you’re telling me …

GEEK: Atsign, I’m still convinced these green cards are bogus.

JOHNNY: But had The Bomber been stupid enough or arrogant enough to do it again? This time I took the evidence to the local post office, and they referred me to the Postal Inspectors.

INSPECTOR: Yeah, none of these should have been handled for Restricted Delivery, especially the ones with insufficient postage.

JOHNNY: All of them? What about the one with sufficient postage.

INSPECTOR: Nope. Not even that one. Postal regulations are clear, and it’s not not properly marked. Sometimes letter carriers will still go for Restricted Delivery if they notice a check mark on the green card, but none of these envelopes are properly marked.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber Rules, including Postal Regulations, are for the little people.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Adventures in stamp collecting. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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It’s when the Real World tracks Fiction that I am most often able to say, “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.”

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