This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran five years ago today.
* * * * *
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, have you checked GoodGuysUnmasked today?
JOHNNY: Not yet. What will I find?
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) The Bunny has published photos The Bomber says he took of some green cards before he mailed them.
RULE 5 GIRL: He’s saying the photos are proof you got things wrong about whether the cards he submitted to the court are genuine.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Hey, @TheBunny, I thought The Bomber said he never emails you.
JOHNNY: In an earlier report I told you about an anonymous blogger who had been running a parody account under the name Bomber Unmasked making fun of The Bomber and his supporters on the Internet. The Bomber had filed a copyright infringement suit against Bomber Unmasked, claiming that uses of his likeness from various music video were copyright violations.
Bomber Unmasked is an anonymous blogger, and The Bomber seems clueless about his/her/their actual identity. At one time or another, The Bomber or his buddies has accused a dozen or so different people of being Bomber Unmasked. He had no idea who to serve papers on as Bomber Unmasked in his lawsuits. He finally asked the court in the copyright suit to simply declare that Bomber Unmasked had been served because he or she or they were making fun of the lawsuit on the Internet. The court said, “No,” and gave him a couple of weeks to show cause why the case shouldn’t be thrown out for lack of service of process.
At the last minute, The Bomber told the court that he had identified two people as being responsible for the Bomber Unmasked accounts, and the court gave him summonses for those individuals and 120 days to serve them. Once again, The Bomber told the court at the last minute that he had tried to serve the two individuals, but they had dodged service. He filed a motion asking the court to declare them in default. He offered the Certified Mail green cards as evidence.
The Bomber has been caught multiple times in the past few months filing altered documents in various court cases. When it was pointed out that this most recent set of green cards had problems, The Bomber filed a complaint with the court that included photos he said were taken of the cards prior to mailing.
I forwarded The Bomber’s court exhibit to a guy who does document analysis for me.
SOUND: Knocking on door.
GEEK: (Through Door) Come on in, Atsign.
SOUND: Door opens and closes.
GEEK: So you’re here about those green cards again?
JOHNNY: Yep. What can you tell me?
GEEK: Well, first of all, the court exhibit you gave me from PACER is unusable. The resolution is too poor.
JOHNNY: I guessed that it would be.
GEEK: I downloaded the pictures that were posted on GoodGuysUnmasked. They were interesting.
GEEK: Yeah. Take a look at this picture of this card and compare it with the version the same card in his original exhibit.
JOHNNY: I see … They’re not the same. Both have the Restricted Delivery box checked, but the “before mailing” photo doesn’t have the Certified Mail box checked. The returned card does.
GEEK: What that tends to show is that he mailed the stuff with improperly marked cards. It doesn’t matter who put that “X” on the returned card. Also, The Bomber still has the problems of explaining why the USPS records show that he didn’t pay for Restricted Delivery and why there is insufficient postage on the one envelope that shows the amount paid.
JOHNNY: So you’re telling me …
GEEK: Atsign, I’m still convinced these green cards are bogus.
ANNOUNCER: Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? You can show you support by wearing Team Lickspittle gear. The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or buy doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.
JOHNNY: That wasn’t the only information that was gleaned from those photos.
SOUND: (Skye rings once) Johnny Atsign.
AARON: Johnny, are you sure about that data you just sent me?
JOHNNY: Aaron, my forensics guy says that he found those matches between the green card pictures and the stuff from BlogBash.
AARON: OK, did you send a copy of the report to Pro Bono.
JOHNNY: No, I wanted your reaction first.
AARON: Get him a copy. This will affect his case as well.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono You’ve got mail!
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? Stupid is as stupid does. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
* * * * *
Bunny Boy, The Grouch, and The Bomber—failing failures gotta fail.