This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran five years ago today.
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SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Mr. Atsign.
JOHNNY: Good morning.
BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Are you booked next Tuesday?
JOHNNY: I’m busy, but I could arrange to have part of the day free.
BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Good. I’d like you to be a witness for me.
JOHNNY: A court appearance?
BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) (Fading Out) Sorta/Kinda. Let me explain …
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short Fused Dud Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber So how’s that brass knuckles reputation management working for you?
SOUND: City street background noise. Door opens and closes. Street noise out. Restaurant background in.
JOHNNY: I had driven down to Montgomery County, parked my car, and walked into a restaurant near the Circuit Courthouse. I was meeting with Blogger and his lawyer Pro Bono.
PRO BONO: Johnny, over here.
JOHNNY: Good morning. Is that pot of coffee fresh?
BLOGGER: They just brought it over. I had the waitress leave a cup for you.
BLOGGER: Thanks for for coming down this morning.
JOHNNY: Mmm. That’s good. No problem. I’m glad to help.
PRO BONO: Blogger had a good idea. Since I won’t actually need any of the defendants at the hearing today, it seems like a sensible strategy, but the idea and decision are all his.
BLOGGER: The Bomber can’t testify because of his perjury conviction. That’s a quirk of Maryland law. The only ways he can get evidence into the record is by introducing documents or through the testimony of other. If none of the defendants are in the courtroom, he can’t call us as witnesses.
JOHNNY: I’ve got that, but why do you want me there? I won’t be testifying.
BLOGGER: We’ll have the court audio and a written transcript, but if we don’t have someone in the gallery watching, we won’t have a good reading on The Bomber’s reactions to the various turns of events during the hearing.
PRO BONO: I’ll catch some things, but my real focus will be on the judge and his reactions. Having another pair of eyes from a more detached observer is helpful.
JOHNNY: Gotcha. So what’s the point of this morning’s hearing?
PRO BONO: Both sides have moved for summary judgment. Additionally, we’re asking the court to compel The Bomber to answer our discovery interrogatories and requests for production of documents.
SOUND: Restaurant background out.
ANNOUNCER: Those warm summer nights are here. Time to sit out on the porch sipping something cold. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? Why not sip that cold drink from a Johnny Atsign drinking glass? The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
JUDGE: So you haven’t provided any discovery to the defendants?
THE BOMBER: I’ve filed for a protective order …
JUDGE: Protective order?!? This is your lawsuit. What are you trying to protect?
PRO BONO: Your Honor, we’ve had nothing from Plaintiff.
JUDGE: OK, I’m going to grant the motion to compel and order Plaintiff to complete discovery within 30 days.
PRO BONO: Your Honor, we have a court date early next month. I’ll need more time to prepare. We’ve asked for 7 days.
THE BOMBER: I could try in two weeks to …
PRO BONO: Your Honor, I’m in no position to negotiate with this man. Discovery is already two months late, and …
JUDGE: July 10th. You will have all discovery completed by July 10th. If you do not, you will not be able to introduce any evidence related to the topics of discovery at trial.
PRO BONO: Thank you, Your Honor.
JUDGE: I’ve already dismissed your claims on the non-torts, the harassment and stalking. I’ve already dismissed malicious prosecution, conspiracy to abuse process, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. I’ve you don’t comply with discovery, you do so at your own risk. You risk not being able to present a case at trial. Is there anything else?
PRO BONO: No, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Then we’ll take a break. The court is adjourned until 1:30.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Blogger I’d say he left with his tail between his legs.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? Deductive reasoning worthy of Sherlock Jones. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
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Yes, Johnny Atsign is fiction, at Truth is stranger than fiction, so imagine how weird the Real World can be.