This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign first ran five years ago today.
* * * * *
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, Bob Bailey here.
JOHNNY: Hello, and call me Johnny.
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) OK, Johnny, I see that The Grouch has had another appeal rejected. You worked on that case, didn’t you?
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) I’ve developed a personal interest in the matter, and I wonder what you can tell me without breaching your client’s confidentiality.
JOHNNY: Quite a bit, Mr. Bailey. Quite a bit.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Hey, @TheGrouch I thought you said you were going to embarrass someone. Beside yourself.
JOHNNY: A peace order had been issued against a noted Internet harasser known as The Grouch. He had appealed that order, and the Maryland Court of Appeals, that state’s top court, rejected his appeal. However, The Grouch is nothing if not consistent in his refusal to learn from his mistakes. While the peace order was in force, he continued harassing his victim. I was involved in documenting that harassment.
ZOA: (Fading in) … so there were charges filed by the Commissioners on around 350 these tweets.
JOHNNY: Yes, but there’s over a hundred more documented here.
ZOA: And we can use every single one of ‘em to support the petition for extension.
JOHNNY: You need to direct the judge’s particular attention to the one’s I’ve highlighted.
ZOA: Yes, it wasn’t very smart to refer to the judge that way.
JOHNNY: What did you think of the one on page 24?
ZOA: Did I miss one? Let me look. (Laughs). I don’t think the judge will be amused by that one. Neither am I for that matter.
JOHNNY: Well, I didn’t think you were his type. On another point, are you going to use the homoerotic porn?
ZOA: (Fading out) I’d rather not, but it may be necessary …
JOHNNY: In spite of, or maybe because of, The Grouch’s online bluster and bloviating, the peace order was extended. And The Grouch appealed.
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) You’d think he’d want to stop digging.
JOHNNY: It get’s weirder.
ANNOUNCER: Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? You can show you support by wearing Team Lickspittle gear. The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
JOHNNY: After the peace order was extended, The Grouch was still facing over 300 counts of violating that order, and a judge had found that the tweets that allegedly made up the violations did, in fact, violate his order. That made the convictions on all counts pretty much a slam dunk. However, all the victim wanted was to be left alone. When the opportunity to engage in mediation came up, the victim offered to recommend dropping the charges in exchange for The Grouch simply obeying the peace order and dropping his appeal.
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) And The Grouch went back on his part of the bargain as soon as the charges were dropped.
JOHNNY: Exactly. I did the follow up at the Court of Appeals Clerk’s Office. It seemed pretty obvious that The Grouch knew he had a losing hand. He didn’t even file all the required paperwork for the appeal. It looked like all he was doing was prolonging his victim’s annoyance.
BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) I see. So how is the victim dealing with The Grouch’s continued harassment?
JOHNNY: Let’s just say that whatever patience he had is used up.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @BobBailey Wait till you see how the next case evolves.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? We’re off in search of the missing link. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
* * * * *
Yeah, it’s got to be fiction. No one could be that dumb, could they?