Team Kimberlin Post of the Day


Gentle Reader, one of the things about investigative reporting is that when you turn over enough rocks, you find all sort of intriguing information. This episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign which first ran four years ago today dealt with the information found under one rock.

* * * * *

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

SOUND: Outboard motor.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny. Were you able to verify those files?

JOHNNY: Not yet. I have an appointment for lunch with our friend.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Good. What’s that I hear in the background?

JOHNNY: Oh, that! That’s an outboard motor. I’ve been fishing this morning. If you’re going to send me someplace near the water, you should expect me to go fishing.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) OK. Just make sure you land a big one this afternoon.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono With all this travel I may wind up with an action-packed expense account too.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

SOURCE A: Do you mind if I join you, Mr. Atsign?

JOHNNY: Not at all. It’s good to finally meet you.

SOURCE A: The pleasure’s all mine. Have you ever eaten here before?

JOHNNY: No. As a matter of fact, this the first time I’ve ever been to this town. I don’t often make it this far south.

SOURCE A: Well, this area’s been a good place for me to retire, and I think you’ll like the food here. Their specialty is breakfast. I was thinking about having ham and eggs.

JOHNNY: Umm. OK. I was looking over the menu before you arrived. Maybe I’ll try the blueberry waffles.

SOURCE A: (Fading out) Get ’em with the whipped cream …

JOHNNY: We had a pleasant late breakfast for lunch, and the waffles were excellent. It turned out that Source A and I knew quite a few of the same people, many of whom were rather shady characters.

SOURCE A: (Fading in) … so, yes, I was running with a pretty unsavory crowd.

JOHNNY: But how did you come to have these documents?

SOURCE A: In the case of the emails I showed you, I was either the initial addressee or was cced. Or they were forwarded to me in a few cases. I’ve included all the headers on the copies on the thumb drive.

JOHNNY: What about the others?

SOURCE A: The two of us used the services of the same vendor, and, as I said, I’ve been dealing with some unsavory people. That vendor needed some help with something, and I thought I might be able to use the information some day.

JOHNNY: So the honor among thieves thing …

SOURCE A: … meant nothing to him. He sold out for my help.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

THE BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain … say, have you noticed that the Boss now has both Team Lickspittle and The Grand Hog mouse pads for sale at The Hogewash Store?

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky, and a mouse pad is just some of the junk that a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle can spend his money on—exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

JOHNNY: I had pumped Source A for a bunch of seemingly unrelated information. The purpose was to see if he would tell tall tales about any of the subjects I brought up. Some of that would need to be checked with other sources.

Meanwhile, there was forensic analysis to be done on the files I had acquired. I emailed a first set to one of the analytical geeks I know.

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign!

GEEK: (Telephone filter) Hey, Johnny! I took a look at those files you sent me.

JOHNNY: And?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) Where the hell did you get them?

JOHNNY: Don’t ask.

GEEK: (Telephone filter) I was expecting them to be Microsoft Office files. You know, Excel and Word.

JOHNNY: They’re not?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) They’re not. They’re Open Office files.

JOHNNY: So they’re fake?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) No. That’s just it. The company that supposedly originated them uses Open Office for their internal documents.

JOHNNY: So that means …

GEEK: (Telephone filter) … yeah. They may be genuine.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono Ka-ching!

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Curiouser and curiouser. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

* * * * *

Not everything that Johnny has discovered has been revealed. Yet.

1 thought on “Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

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