Here’s another vintage episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. It first ran four years ago today.
* * * * *
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, my name is Candler. I need some help.
JOHNNY: What kind of help, Mr. Candler?
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) My fellow zombies and I have been collecting information about this guy who’s been harassing people online. It’s all from open public sources, mostly his own tweets and comments and blogs.
JOHNNY: Uh, huh.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Now that we’ve got all this data, we need to authenticate it.
JOHNNY: And I take it that you want help with that.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The Undead Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie Is it safe being the brains behind your plan?
JOHNNY: A few months back, I had assisted a guy by the name of Grayson who was being harassed by The Grouch. The Grouch had tried to get a peace order against him, claiming that Grayson and Zombie were the same person and that The Grouch was being harassed by Zombie. That whole matter began to unravel when The Grouch was a no-show at the peace order hearing. Grayson was subsequently able to get a no-contact stalking order against The Grouch.
Listeners who’ve been tuning in over the past year probably know that The Grouch has not been very good about obeying court orders. In Grayson’s case, he’s been insisting off and on that Grayson is Zombie and continuing to contact the Zombie. Even if the two are not the same, The Grouch says they are, so at least he’s trying to disobey the no-contact order. And he probably thinks he’s getting away with something.
Which brings us back to that phone call …
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … so we were hoping you would have the connections to authenticate as much of it as possible.
JOHNNY: Well, why not just show the stuff to him and ask him if it’s his?
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) You mean in a deposition or in court? No. There’s no legal action pending. At least, not yet.
JOHNNY: Oh, there are other ways to do that.
ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Such as?
JOHNNY: Ever hear of a honeypot?
ANNOUNCER: Mmmm, honey. You know, I like honey in my tea, and I like to drink my tea from my Team Lickspittle Tea Tumbler. Team Lickspittle Tea Tumblers are exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or do your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re all ways you can support the Team.
JOHNNY: The Grouch and his buddies are not nearly such great hackers as they imagine, and they don’t have really first-rate google-fu, but eventually enough breadcrumbs were scattered around the Internet for one of them to take notice.
ZOMBIE DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Over 300 hits on the new site today.
JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie Just chill and wait for the FUN. Don’t pull it down till he publishes something.
JOHNNY: And it wasn’t long before The Grouch was bleeding all over his Internet radio microphone and telling both his listeners of his great discovery of the conspiracy against him, a conspiracy to do such evil things as gather publicly available information about him.
Listeners who’ve been tuning in over the past year probably know that The Grouch has little if any respect for the copyrights of other, and it wasn’t long before he began republishing what he had found. And, of course, he decried the fact that all that information was really about him, and he claimed it invaded his privacy. In other words, he authenticated it.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Gotcha, sucker.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? Life is full of surprises. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
* * * * *
Yep. It’s got to be fiction. No one could be that …