Blogsmoke


SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Soft steps across room.

PRODUCER: Sheriff, what are you doing here in the control room?

JOHN: I’m gong through some of the old episodes. This seemed like the least distracting place to do that.

PRODUCER: Are you finding what you need?

JOHN: Uh, huh. I wanted one of the early episodes in which I was explaining how all this got started. I found the clip. Here it is.

SOUND: Button pressed.

JOHN: (Through a small loudspeaker) Folks often ask me how I got …

EFX: Perspective change from small speaker to full mike.

JOHN: … to be Internet Sheriff here in Twitter Town. I ran unopposed after being nominated by Bunny Boy, the editor of a minor website. Back in November of last year, Bunny Boy wrote what he thought was a satirical piece about my efforts to enforce a peace order against a cyberthug. As usual, he got many of his facts wrong.

However, he did note that, given the then current rate of violations of the peace order, it was likely that there would have been thousands of counts standing against the violator by the time his case got to court in early 2014. He wondered, “The District Attorney and Circuit Court clerk probably do not enjoy this prospect. Will Sheriff Hoge wear out his welcome with the townsfolk and be named a vexatious litigant? Will he get called out for playing fast and loose with the rules of the court?”

Those questions deserve an answer.

Did I wear out my welcome? It doesn’t seem likely. Since Bunny Boy wrote his article, Hogewash! has had about 1.3 million page views, and the current traffic is running at a rate greater than 3 times last year’s.

Did I get named a vexatious litigant? Nope. In fact, the follow on civil matter, the extension to the peace order, was granted, and when the cyberthug tried to run an accuse-the-accuser play and charge me with perjury, his allegations were found to be without probable cause.

Did I get called out for playing fast and loose with the rules of the court? Nope. Actually, that’s what happened to the Bunny Boy’s boss.

EFX: Perspective change from full mike to small speaker.

JUDGE 1: Did you alter the return receipts between docket entry 38 and 50-whatever; did you change them? This is about the exact same brief green card being filed—the support motions you filed, the different docket …

SOUND: Button pressed.

JOHN: (Full mike) I don’t really need that part about The Bomber’s altered evidence.

PRODUCER: What are you working on?

JOHN: Oh, it’s just a brief history to help someone come up to speed on cyberharassment issues.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

PINKY: Look, Brain … the boss has got a lot more stuff than mousepads for sale at The Hogewash Store.

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. There’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store. There are shirts, and bags, and drinkware, and all sorts of other interesting items. Loyal members of Team Likckspittle can show their support by shopping today. And did you know that there are other ways as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar on the Home page. Or do your Amazon shopping via the Home page link.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Only 20 pages this time.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

JOHN: (FULL MIKE) There you go.

COMMISSIONER: Hang on while I make copies for you. Only 88 this time?

EFX: Perspective change from full mike to small speaker.

JOHN: Yeah, but in just 24 hours.

COMMISSIONER: Let me assign a case number.

SOUND: Button pushed.

JOHN: (Full mike) And that will probably do to explain the peace orders. It’s a weird story, but I think these bits will tie together to make sense.

PRODUCER: Let me know if you need any help editing.

JOHN: Thanks, but I think I’ve got it.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

3 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. Hmmm… Is there a alternate front out there? Somewhere? Additional. I mean’t additional. Inquiring minds want to know.

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