Blognet


Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith have been detailed to help investigate a matter in another state. It may be tangentially related to a previous case, so we’re recycling an episode about that earlier investigation.

BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger has been accused of stalking and harassment. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Saturday, March 7th. It was a warm and clear in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:27 pm when I returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: No, sir. You did the right thing by calling. … We can get a copy, but if you can scan it and email it to us, we can start sooner. …

SOUND: Chair pulled out.

SMITH: Yes, the same email address. … One more thing, does the order say “Interim” or “Temporary”? … Good, and it shows a court date of next Friday rather than Monday. Right? … OK, that gives more time. … No, we can’t help with that. You should talk to your lawyer. … Yes, I’ll contact him as well. … No. … But we can do that. … No, sir, that’s not a problem. … Yes, as soon as we get it. … That’s right. … Goodbye.

SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.

SOUND: Rustling paper bag.

FRIDAY: Here’s lunch. They were out of the crab chips. I got you sour cream and onion instead. What was that?

SMITH: Thanks, Joe. Timberland’s filed another peace order petition.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh.

SMITH: The guy wants help figuring out what sort of evidence Timberland might pull out of his … um …  hat to support the petition.

FRIDAY: What have we got to go on?

SMITH: Not much yet. The guy is sending us a copy of what he was served. He says it has a long essay from Timberland about what has supposedly happened.

FRIDAY: Timberland took the wrong career path.

SMITH: How’s that?

FRIDAY: With all his fiction, he should have been a novelist.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: 2:19 pm. Liz received a copy of the peace order petition via email.

SMITH: Joe, that Timberland petition came in. You were right?

FRIDAY: Oh?

SMITH: This thing reads like pure fiction. The basis of it is that other people read what the blogger wrote and that they engaged in harassment.

FRIDAY: Well, that not much to research there. Let’s write up what we have and get to the guy’s lawyer.

It turned out that our estimation of the strength of Timberland’s case was correct. Friday, March 13th. 2:39 pm.

SMITH: Hey, Joe, remember that Timberland peace order case?

FRIDAY: Yeah.

SMITH: The judge just denied the petition.

FRIDAY: No surprise there.

SMITH: But the blogger has posted that Timberland had some sort of bogus tweets that he wanted to use as evidence.

FRIDAY: That’s not a surprise either.

It turned out that Timberland had tried to use tweets gathered from Topsy to show that the blogger had made particular statements. However, when you went to Topsy and clicked on the links, they took you to the original tweets made by other users. These were tweets that the blogger had retweeted. They weren’t things he had written himself.

We forwarded that information on to the blogger’s lawyer just in case Timberland want to appeal.

Wednesday, 25 March.

SMITH: Well, he did it.

FRIDAY: Who did what?

SMITH: Timberland. He filed for an appeal in that peace order case.

FRIDAY: Hmmm. It looks like it’s time to rearrange my investment portfolio.

SMITH: Huh?

FRIDAY: It may be time to buy some shares in ConAgra.

SMITH: Why?

FRIDAY: ConAgra owns Orville Redenbacher.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On May 14th, an appeal trial was held in the Circuit Court of Maryland for Montgomery County on the denial of the peace order Timberland sought against the blogger. In a moment, the result of that trial.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Decisions, decisions. I’m getting ready to file a travel mug with coffee for the drive home after we wrap up. Should I use a Johnny Atsign or a Hogewash! Res Judicata mug? They’re both exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or do your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re all ways you can support the Team.

NARRATOR: On May 14th, an appeal trial was held in the Circuit Court on the matter of the peace order petition filed by Timberland that was denied by the District Court. The Circuit Court also found that Timberland was unable to produce evidence to support any statutory basis for a peace order. Accordingly, the peace order petition was denied.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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