Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for —

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny. I just called to say “Thanks” for that report.

JOHNNY: You’re welcome. I hope it’s useful.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) Things haven’t finished timing out yet, but it won’t be long.

JOHNNY: OK. Let me know if you need anything else.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of the Location, Location, Location Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch They don’t stock invisibility cloaks in your size in the Land of Enchantment.

JOHNNY: I was out tracking down someone for a client. The object of my search had disappeared from the East Coast and left several legal loose ends dangling. My client wanted to see some of them tied up. I was asked to find the missing person so that open matters could be settled.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) (Fading up) … and he’s tweeted a street scene from the city where he says he’s staying.

JOHNNY: Yeah. It’s pretty obvious where he is.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) Albuquerque. That’s my guess based on travel time.

JOHNNY: Yeah. It’s Albuquerque. Look at that diagonal hash marking along the right curb in the picture. That’s distinctive.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) Yeah, but the picture doesn’t quite match the Google Street View.

JOHNNY: No, it doesn’t, but the Google image is several months old. The new satellite imagery from [redacted] shows the new signage and that new building further down the street, and Google shows that church steeple.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) Yeah.

JOHNNY: That’s the road from the Interstate to downtown. That rise in the road is an overpass over the railroad tracks, and the right turn to the Greyhound station is just a few blocks further down.

CLIENT: (Telephone Filter) OK. Now what?

JOHNNY: I’ll get out there and track him down.

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JOHNNY: Patience can be a real virtue when trying to locate a subject. The guy I was looking for was usually careless, so my strategy was to wait for him to broadcast his location. With time to kill while I waited, I decided to go fishing. A visit to a local sporting goods store resulted in a couple of recommendations of spots to try. I was just about to push off from the dock when …

SOUND: (Cell phone rings twice)

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Well, hello!

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) I just saw something on Twitter that may interest you.


RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) (Fading out) Yeah. That guy you’re looking for just posted a short video You should take a look. The background …

JOHNNY: So I took a look at the tweet she told me about, and that was the end of my fishing trip. The short clip showed the view across a parking lot of a building with a rather distinctive roofline. It also showed traffic moving on a highway behind the building. There were only a few such roads in the area

A bit of reconnaissance with satellite imagery quickly identified a candidate facility. A quick drive across town confirmed the identification.

From there, it was back to my hotel to pack my bags and book a flight back home.

JOHNNY TWEETS: @TheGrouch Are you being served?

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Same song, second verse. Join us, won’t you.

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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  1. Pingback: So, what happened? | Sonoran Conservative

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