SOUND: (Caller’s POV) Phone rings twice.
PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) L-B-S.
JOHNNY: Hey, it’s Johnny Atsign.
PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny. If you’re calling this late, it must mean you’re still out of town.
JOHNNY: Yep. I’ll be out on this case for a while.
PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) Getting any fishing done.
JOHNNY: Not much yet, but it’s possible to fish for rainbow trout in one of the city parks in this town. But let’s get to why I called. The Grouch has been trying to forge a bunch of stuff recently, but The Bomber has an even longer record of faking stuff.
PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) Uh, huh.
JOHNNY: (Fading out) There’s an episode from …
ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny.
JOHNNY: What’s up, Aaron?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber’s filed that report the judge ordered.
JOHNNY: Which one? The one about service in the RICO suit?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Yeah, and some of the exhibits don’t add up
JOHNNY: And you want me to do some digging?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) You got it.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) When are the “Are You Being Served” reruns? Asking for a friend.
JOHNNY: The Bomber had sued 20 or so defendants in a lawsuit that alleged that they were all part of a RICO conspiracy to … well, he had a laundry list of crimes and torts that boiled down to being upset that people were saying true things about him. He then screwed up service of process on the defendants. After more than a couple of months had passed, he asked the court for more time to answer the few defendants who had responded. The judge partially granted The Bomber’s motion. He didn’t give him the two extra months he wanted, but he gave him a few weeks to get his stuff in. Aaron and another defendant filed emergency motions pointing out the irregularities with service of court papers and asking the judge to change his mind. The judge let The Bomber keep his extension but gave him something else to do. He ordered The Bomber to submit a report on the status of serving all the defendants.
For a guy who supposedly got a bachelor’s degree in community legal services with a 3.96 GPA and who had been certified as a paralegal, The Bomber was surprising bad at putting together court papers. It was a tough slog trying to make some sense of the various pieces of his report. His exhibits didn’t seem to match what the claims in the text of his report.
SOUND: Telephone rings twice. Caller’s POV.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Hello.
JOHNNY: Aaron, it’s Johnny. Have you got your copy of The Bomber’s report on service handy?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) I’ve got the PACER copy here on my laptop. Let me bring it up.
JOHNNY: When you get it on the screen, scroll down to the third page of Exhibit E.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Exhibit D … Exhibit E. OK, that’s the envelopes and green cards from some of his attempts at service. What about page 3?
JOHNNY: How much postage do you see on the envelope?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) A buck and a quarter.
JOHNNY: Don’t you find that interesting?
AARON: (Telephone Filter) It seems a bit low.
JOHNNY: Much too low! The charge for Certified Mail with a return receipt is over five bucks, so how come there’s a green card attached. Heck, a dollar-twenty-five won’t cover the basic First Class postage.
AARON: (Telephone Filter) Oh.
JOHNNY: Aaron, that exhibit’s probably a forgery.
ANNOUNCER: Winter’s almost over. With warmer-but-not-hot weather coming, a Hogewash! Res Judicata long-sleeve t-shirt could be just the thing for casual wear. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or do your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re all ways you can support the Team.
AARON TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Thanks for the research.
JOHNNY: The problem with that envelope was just the tip of the iceberg. The Bomber had included a copy of another green card in the report that had also been submitted as evidence in the parallel state lawsuit. In that case, he’s submitted to different versions of the same card. One had the Restricted Delivery box checked. The other didn’t.
And The Bomber had been caught.
It also turned out that The Bomber had sent out a fresh set of paperwork to the defendants who hadn’t responded. It was an amazingly botched job.
The dumbest stunt he pulled in the process was to forge a summons and to send it to a non-party in the lawsuit.
SOUND: Restaurant background.
AARON: You’ve got to be kidding me?
JOHNNY: No, take a look. The forgery is obvious. The typeface on the name and address aren’t the same as what the Clerk used to fill in the other information on the summons, and it’s misaligned with the Clerk’s entries. But the big giveaway is leaving the PACER notation from the online copy of your summons on the form. If that were a court-generated summons, there wouldn’t be a PACER notation at all.
AARON: I can’t believe he was that careless.
JOHNNY: And to top it off, he mailed the summons to the new owner—who didn’t buy the company until two months after the date on the summons.
AARON: OK, you win. Lunch is on me.
SOUND: Fade background.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Bomberunmask Are you being served?
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? Hide-and-Seek isn’t always just a kids’ game. Join us, won’t you.
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.