NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A notorious anti-First-Amendment activist has sued a blogger for an alleged civil rights violation and subpoenaed information from a second blogger. Although the second blogger responded fully, he is now facing a motion for sanctions. Your job … find get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Thursday, February 11th. It was cold and blustery in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner is Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:53 pm when Liz and I entered Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: I kinda like that new place on Main Street. It might be a good spot for our Friday evening get togethers after work.

FRIDAY: Yeah, it might be.

SOUND: Chairs pulled out. Typing on keyboard. Mouse clicks.

SMITH: Well, well, well …

FRIDAY: What’s up?

SMITH: There’s a new docket item up in PACER in the suit Timberland filed.


SMITH: Hang on. I’m downloading it. It’s a Letter Order from the judge.

FRIDAY: Scroll through it and see if there’s anything that we need to look at.

SMITH: Uh, huh. Let’s see … He’s allowing Timberland to file his motion to sanction the blogger whose response to that subpoena he didn’t like … and he’s ordered Timberland to serve the sealed motion on the blogger.

FRIDAY: That’s going to be a bit of a pain for us.

SMITH: How come?

FRIDAY: We’ll be asked to investigate, but the motion’s sealed. We can’t look at it because we’re not lawyers representing the blogger, so we’ll be working blind on part of the case.

SMITH: Timberland isn’t making this easy for us.

FRIDAY: Yeah, but just because it won’t be easy doesn’t mean it won’t be interesting.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Monday, February 15th. 09:26 am.

SMITH: Hey, Joe. The blogger dealing with that motion for sanction from Timberland’s just emailed us a copy of the subpoena. He’s also included a copy of the envelope it was mailed in.

FRIDAY: Anything noteworthy?

SMITH: I think so. The return address is Timberland’s, and there’s no cover letter signed by a third party.


SMITH: Yeah. If Timberland sent the subpoena himself, that isn’t valid service, is it?

FRIDAY: Probably not, but we still should keep digging for the facts.

Monday, February 22nd. 3:38 pm.

SMITH: Joe, remember that blogger dealing with the sanctions motion from Timberland?

FRIDAY: Uh, huh.

SMITH: He’s filed his response to Timberland’s motion. It’s up on PACER, and it’s a doozy.

FRIDAY: We’ll it’s up to the judge now.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On July 21st, the United States District Court for the District of Maryland issued a ruling in the Timberland lawsuit. In a moment, the result of that ruling.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Winter’s almost over. With warmer-but-not-hot weather coming, a Hogewash! Res Judicata long-sleeve t-shirt could be just the thing for casual wear. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

NARRATOR: On July 21st, the United States District Court for the District of Maryland issued a ruling in the Timberland lawsuit. The court granted summary judgment to the defendant in the lawsuit, ending the matter. Timberland’s motions for sanctions against the second blogger was not granted.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

7 thoughts on “Blognet

    • Last time I’ve seen projection as overwhelming as his was at the Cinerama Dome for the premiere of Terminator 2.

      “Freshly-deleted”? Projection of butthurt from having comments left in moderation Hell: CHECK.

      “Carries his stench”? Projection of shame from his own lack of hygiene and general repulsiveness: CHECK.

      “Rabid, frothing madness” Direct projection: CHECK.

      “Full of Hoge’s typical misspellings.” REALLY, Bill? If so, why don’t you cite SPECIFICALLY some Mr. Hoge’s “typical misspellings” and sufficient instances of them that they would qualify as “typical.”

      Considering the chorus of crickets that spontaneously break out in chirping whenever you’re called out to put up, or shut up… I’m not holding my breath.

      “Why is he threatening my fiancé?”

      Why do I doubt he is? Because, Bill Schmalfeldt, you’re a f*cking liar. Your stupid, obvious, and inept lies are what caused me to create a blog dedicated to that very topic, and it is only abject BOREDOM with your endless Schmycle of idiocy that has left that blog idle. Cthulhu himself knows it’s not a lack of material.

      Let me state the obvious: Mr. Hoge has remained above the fray in what I think can be aptly termed a “saintly” fashion. He has shown you mercy when he (and the rest of the world) would probably have been better served by your dick-dented skull being (figuratively) hammered flat.

      So, Bill Schmalfeldt, what is your evidence that that message was left by Mr. Hoge, rather than any one of the HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of people on the ‘net you’ve offended, outraged, stalked, and actually HARMED over the last decade and more?

      Not only was that message totally alien from Mr. Hoge’s well documented character and modus operandi, why would Mr. Hoge bother? He can provoke a 30-tweet Monkey Dance merely by re-posting material from years ago!

      So, to sum up: I believe an impartial observer would conclude that you’re LYING AGAIN, as usual… and that this is just another clumsy forgery in a long string of clumsy forgeries.

      When you end up living in a ‘fridge box down by the river, do us all a favor and live-blog your taking of the cure.

      And try not to botch that, like you’ve botched everything else in your pathetic and worthless life.

  1. As someone once said, “The stupid is coming from inside the house”.

    William really must put a block on that nasty address.

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