SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Happy New Year, Johnny!
JOHNNY: Happy New Year to you! What’s up?
RULE 5 GIRL: Have you heard that The Grouch is hiding again?
JOHNNY: After losing an eight LOLsuit, that’s no surprise. He’s often a cowardly no-show. You know, he’s been like this as long as he’s been on my radar.
SOUND: Cell phone rings.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
ZOA: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, it’s Zoa. I’m going to need some more help.
JOHNNY: (Firmly) I’m fishing.
ZOA: (Telephone Filter) I know. It’s opening day for Rockfish, but something came up in the trial today. We need to run it down quickly.
JOHNNY: (Disappointed) OK. I’ll head back in.
SOUND: Outboard motor starting.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter. The Bomber’s lawyer had gotten him off on a peace order, but his victim had appealed the District Court’s decision to the Circuit Court. His lawyer had hired me to do so background investigative work on The Bomber.
ZOA TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign. Meeting in my office at 4:30.
JOHNNY: One of these days, I’m going to learn to leave that phone on the dock. The Bomber’s peace order trial had not gone as expected, but there was another peace order appeal pending as well, and based on what had come out at the trial, there were new leads that needed to be run down before their trails went cold.
SOUND: Footsteps up porch steps. Door opens and closes. Footsteps in hall.
ZOA: (OFF MIKE) Johnny, we’re back in the conference room.
SOUND: Footsteps in hall.
ZOA: (FULL MIKE) Come on in and close the door.
SOUND: Door closed. Chair being drawn out from table.
JOHNNY: OK, what’s up?
AARON: You know we subpoenaed The Grouch for The Bomber’s peace order hearing?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I served the subpoena for Zoa myself.
ZOA: He was a no-show.
ZOA: Of course, The Grouch being a no-show may have hurt The Bomber. He didn’t realized that he would be kept from testifying. If he’d had The Grouch there he might have been able to get evidence by questioning him.
AARON: The Bomber didn’t produce the documents that were subpoenaed as part of discovery either.
JOHNNY: That figures. I knew there would be trouble when I had to call the cops to help serve that subpoena.
AARON: Here’s the new twist. Do you remember that odd motion to dismiss that turned up in The Grouch’s peace order trial?
AARON: It bears a remarkable similarity to the one The Bomber filed in his peace order case. It worked in The Grouch’s case, but the judge has reserved judgment in The Bomber’s.
ZOA: There some connections here beneath the surface. We need to know more.
JOHNNY: And you want me to find out.
JOHNNY: Well, it’s how I make my living. The rockfish will have to wait.
ANNOUNCER: There’s a chill the air these days as winter lingers. One good way to fight that chill is a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
SOUND: Laser printer running in the background.
JOHNNY: It’s amazing what some people will send in a tweet. I began my research by pulling up everything that The Grouch had been tweeting for almost a year. If they say I’m the man with the action-packed Twitter account, The Grouch is the man with the record number of suspended and abandoned accounts. He probably thought that the tweet he had deleted or that had been deleted with account suspensions were gone. Nope. The Internet is forever. I had pastebin records, screencaps, and many other means of recovering The Grouch’s tweets under his many Twitter handles.
SOUND: Background out.
THE GROUCH TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ZoasClient You deserve troll time.
JOHNNY: The Grouch kept sending tweets in violation of the request to stop up until the night before his trial.
RADIO DERP TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Now, make fun of me some more as I dread the physical suffering I will endure tomorrow just to satisfy your ego, @ZoasClient.
JUDGE: (FADING IN) … therefore, based on the evidence shown, I will grant the peace order.
JOHNNY: Do you think that The Grouch quit? I turns out he did … for a few weeks.
RADIO NOBRAINER TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE): @ZoasClient Here’s another tweet for you.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zoa Check your email.
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next week? The story you heard today happened in the late spring. In summer things decided to heat up. Join us, won’t you.
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.