Given the recent attempt to smear a certain reporter, it seems like a good time to recycle the first episode of BLOGNET—

MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. You get a call that a Twitter troll is harassing a family over the loss of a child. Your job … find him.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual crime. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end. From crime to punishment. Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in corridor.

FRIDAY: It was Sunday, February 10th. It was cool and clear in Westminster. We were working the night watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff, W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. I was on my way back to the office at 8:12 pm.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out as Friday sits down.

FRIDAY: Anything new, Liz?

SMITH: Nothing, Joe, it’s been quiet mostly.

SOUND: Phone rings.

SMITH: Well, it was quiet.

SOUND: Receiver picked up

FRIDAY: Internet detail, Friday speaking. … Uh, huh …. Uh, huh … Yes, sir. Could you spell that for me? … Oh, yes, sir. I remember now. Yes, your file is still active. … Oh, I see. … Yes, we can meet you. What time does your flight arrive? … 5:50 tomorrow afternoon at BWI. Yes, we’ll be there. … No, sir. It’s no problem for us. … Good night.

SOUND: Receiver hung up.

SMITH: Who was that?

FRIDAY: Do you remember that case from Texas about the harassment from up here in Maryland?

SMITH: That couple who lost the baby in childbirth?

FRIDAY: Yeah. It seems that the guy doesn’t know when to quit. He’s been dishing out more. The story is that he’s been going after the whole family and accusing, uh, Mr. Stanley of pimping his wife and teenage daughter.

SMITH: Oh, right! This our “investigative journalist.”

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Who we will have to investigate a bit more.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Liz and I came on duty a couple of hours early on Monday so that we could drive down to the airport to meet Mr. Stanley. He had emailed a photo of himself so that we could recognize him. We parked the car in the short-term garage at BWI and went in to the baggage claim area.

SOUND: Airport background.

SMITH: I checked the monitor. His flight is at the gate, and this is correct baggage claim area.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Well, depending the the route he takes, he could down the hall from either direction,

SMITH: Yeah. I’ll watch to the right.

FRIDAY: Never mind. I think I see him. Yes. That’s him. (Waits a few seconds.) Mr. Stanley!


FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday. This my partner Liz Smith.

STANLEY: Please to meet you both. Thanks for meeting me.

SMITH: No problem, Mr. Stanley. Do you have any bags?

STANLEY: No, just my carry on.

FRIDAY: Good. Let’s head for the car and find someplace quiet where we can talk.

SOUND: Airport background out.

FRIDAY: We took Mr. Stanley to a nearby restaurant were we were able to interview him.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

STANLEY: (Fading in.) … so that’s the story.

SMITH: I can understand your distress, Mr. Stanley. I must be particularly hard on your wife and daughter.

STANLEY: Yes. Both are deeply troubled.

FRIDAY: Well, you did let this go on. You could have followed up on the rape threat last year.

STANLEY: Perhaps, but with all this other stuff, we’ve had it with this Parvocampus idiot.

FRIDAY: You’ve got options. You could seek a peace order or you could file a charge of harassment. Or you could do both.

STANLEY: I’d have to come back next week for a hearing if I file for a peace order, wouldn’t I?

SMITH: Yes. If you filed this evening, there’d be an ex parte hearing tomorrow and another a week later for a final order.

STANLEY: I don’t think he’d obey the order anyway. I think I’ll just file the harassment charge.

FRIDAY: OK. We can take you over to the District Court Commissioner.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On February 11th, an Application for Statement Charges of harassment against Willy Parvocampus was filed with a Howard County District Court Commissioner. In a moment the results of that filing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? While there’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store, sometimes you have to buy something useful. When that happens, there’s still away to support Team Lickspittle. Simply use the Amazon link in the sidebar on the Home page. When you shop at Amazon via that link, you’ll pay the same great price, and Hogewash! will get a cut of the action. The Hogewash Store and Amazon—two great ways to support Team Lickspittle.

NARRATOR: On February 11th, a District Court Commissioner found probable cause to charge Willy Parvocampus with harassment of the Stanley family in violation of Maryland Criminal Law Section 3-803. First offense harassment is punishable by imprisonment up to 90 days or a fine of up to $500 or both. However, the Howard County State’s Attorney’s Office declined to prosecute the charge. Willy Parvocampus is still at large.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System. Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

4 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. He’s still large.. or at large, having run from Maryland, Wisconsin, and Iowa. The dark net says he’s in South Carolina, shacked up with a bad video gamer managing a rowdy resistance group on Twitter from a converted hotel. She apparently owns a cat that likes to walk in poop.

    Word has it he’s sued the same people and lost each time because he attempts to practice law thinking his writing skills from his limited employment in the government makes him a legal expert.

    I also learned he is the recipient of multiple peace orders and even went to court once. He admitted his guilt to the judge! Reports say he printed 134 pages from a blog he hates as evidence he had the right to harass this person. I even heard a toddler got one against him a year earlier! Imagine, a toddler having to get a No Contact Order! What did the toddler do that deserved his egregious attention?

    Parvocampus is an incompetent man. I’d say he was dangerous but heard he’s confined to a wheelchair with Parkinson’s version 2.0 and this time, he means it.

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