Blognet


NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A cyberstalker is harassing bloggers. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Wednesday, July 5th. It was a sunny and seasonably hot day in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner, Liz Smith, was back in Westminster with our boss, Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:27 pm when I entered Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: … Didn’t something like this happen before? …

SOUND: (In background as SMITH continues) Chair pulled out. Paper bag rustles.

SMITH: … That’s what I thought. How can we help? … Yes, it’s not just one file. If I were to print all of the electronic files, it would probably fill a couple of drawers in a deep filing cabinet. It might make sense to give you just the records related to restraining orders. … Let me scroll through the directory. … Yes, your name is on a couple of the files. That makes sense because you say you had to file for two previous orders. … Yes. I could send all of it electronically, but the zip file would be too large for an email. I can put it in a dropbox and forward the link to you. … Oh, I’ll need to screen the files for confidential stuff we can’t share, but I should have the link to you in a couple of hours. … Uh, huh. … No, it’s no problem. … OK, Goodbye.

SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.

SMITH: What’s for lunch, Joe?

FRIDAY: They were out of crab soup, so I got you cream of broccoli. And here’s your club sandwich.

SMITH: Thanks.

FRIDAY: What was that all about?

SMITH: Parvocampus. He’s harassing another blogger.

FRIDAY: (More deadpan than usual) This is my surprised face.

SMITH: Yeah. I could tell.

FRIDAY: What’s up this time?

SMITH: It’s that blogger down in the Carolinas, the one who got a pair of orders protecting herself and grandson. The original orders have expired, and she says he’s harassing her again.

FRIDAY: What’s she looking for?

SMITH: Background information. She says she wants to be able to show his history to a judge if she files for another restraining order.

FRIDAY: That could take some work.

SMITH: How’s that?

FRIDAY: You need a pretty wide wide-angle lens to show the background with Parvocampus in the picture.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Thursday, July 6th, 11:42 am.

SOUND: Telephone rings twice.

SMITH: Internet Detail, Officer Smith. … Hello, was the information I sent you useful? … Yes, it was a lot of stuff. I warned you. … But you did use some of it? … Good. … Oh, that’s very good! … When will that be? … Uh, huh. … No, we can’t. … Uh, huh. … Uh, huh. … Thanks for calling and letting us know. And good luck next week. … Goodbye.

SOUND: Telephone receiver hung up.

SMITH: That was our Carolina blogger. She filed for a restraining order today, and a temporary one was granted.

FRIDAY: With a hearing for a permanent order next Thursday?

SMITH: Next Friday actually. I wonder if Parvocampus will bother to show up for the hearing.

FRIDAY: He has been whining about being un able to travel, but it shouldn’t make much difference in this case.

SMITH: Oh?

FRIDAY: If he doesn’t show, the blogger wins by default.

SMITH: Yeah.

FRIDAY: If he does show up, his M.O. is to admit what he did and try explain why it was OK.

SMITH: But none of the stuff he did was OK. It was all illegal. So …

FRIDAY: It’s a lose/lose situation for Parvocampus.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On July 14th, a hearing was held in The General Court of Justice, District Court Division concerning the petition for a No-Contact Order for Stalking. In a moment the result of that hearing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? While there’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store, sometimes you have to buy something useful. When that happens, there’s still a way to support Team Lickspittle. Simply use the Amazon link in the sidebar on the Home page. When you shop at Amazon via that link, you’ll pay the same great price, and Hogewash! will get a cut of the action. The Hogewash Store and Amazon—two great ways to support Team Lickspittle. And did you know that there’s a third way as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On July 14th, a hearing was held in The General Court of Justice, District Court Division concering the petition for a No-Contact Order for Stalking. The court found that Parvocampus had committed acts of unlawful conduct against the plaintiff blogger and issued the No-Contact Order for Stalking for a period of one year.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

9 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. OK, it was a lose/lose, but which form did the lose take? Did Parvocampus blow it off, or did he “stumble into the court and totally fuck himself over?”

    Enquiring minds want to know, and Friday, Smith, and Mr. Announcer Man are usually more thorough…

      • Hell, if there were judges grading his performance, he’d get a 9.9 out of 10 for how efficiently he fucked himself over. You stuck the face-plant landing perfectly.

  2. Most of us knew going into the hearing it was a lose/lose situation for the Cabin Boy. I’m wondering if he understood this before he walked into court that day? It’s really quite amazing how many times the Twitter Attorney at Law has admitted his actions have violated the law(and most of the 12 protective orders against him) , but he feels his reasons are just. Stalking Stalkers gotta Stalk.

  3. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 09.15.17 : The Other McCain

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