NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger has been accused of perjury. Your job … get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Monday, December 9th. It was a cold and grey day in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner is Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 2:17 am when I entered Room S-140. Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.
SMITH: How’d the hearing go, Joe?
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
FRIDAY: The judge extended the order.
SMITH: No surprise there. We’re you called?
FRIDAY: No. It was pretty much and open and shut case. The judge …
SOUND: Telephone rings. Handset picked up.
FRIDAY: Internet Detail. Sergeant Friday. … Uh, huh. … Uh, huh. … Yeah, I was at the hearing. … You’re joking. … I see. What is his basis for that? … Uh, huh. … Look, why don’t you scan a copy and email it to us? You can use my account. … Not long. Maybe this afternoon. Certainly by tomorrow morning. … OK, goodbye.
SOUND: Handset hung up.
FRIDAY: That was Gretchen over at the Commissioners Office. Parvocampus stopped by on his way out of town and filed an Application for Statement of Charges.
SMITH: For what? Against who?
FRIDAY: Perjury. He claims that the blogger seeking that peace order extension lied in court today?
SMITH: Did he?
FRIDAY: What? The blogger lie? Not that I noticed. Gretchen is going to send Parvocampus’ paperwork over. She wants us to review it.
SMITH: OK. I’ve got to go over to the Courthouse. I’ll see if I can get a CD of the hearing.
SOUND: Computer beeps.
FRIDAY: There’s Gretchen’s email. I’ll forward a copy to you.
SMITH: Say, wasn’t Parvocampus tweeting how he was going to win today?
SMITH: Things don’t seem to be proceeding as he thought he had foreseen.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: While Liz was at the Courthouse, I reviewed the statement contained in the Application for Statement of Charges filed by Parvocampus. It did not match with my recollection of the morning’s hearing.
3:22 pm When Liz returned, we both listened to the courtroom audio, and she agreed with me that Parvocampus’ description of the day’s events was flawed.
SMITH: His whole thing boils down to a claim that it’s a lie to disagree with his interpretation of how Twitter works.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh, and he’s wrong about how an (at) mention functions.
SMITH: It’s not perjury to correctly explain to the court how Twitter functions.
FRIDAY: Yeah. Let me give Gretchen a call.
SOUND: Telephone handset picked up. Phone buttons pushed.
FRIDAY: There’s no way that … Hi, Gretchen. It’s Joe Friday. … Yes. We looked it over. … It’s nonsense. … Uh, huh. … Yeah, we agree. … OK. Goodbye.
SOUND: Handset hung up.
FRIDAY: You know that thing about the wheels of justice being slow. That isn’t always true.
FRIDAY: She’s already dealt with it.
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: On December 9th, a District Court Commissioner issued a finding on the Application for Statement of Charges. In a moment the disposition of the Application.
ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? While there’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store, sometimes you have to buy something useful. When that happens, feel free to hit the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: On December 9th, a District Court Commissioner issued a finding on the Application for Statement of Charges. The Commissioner determined that there was insufficient evidence to support a finding of probable cause that a crime had been committed, and no charges were issued.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.