LOLsuit VIII News

The Gentle Reader should not be surprised to learn that The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt has screwed up his second amended complaint and that he’s been ordered to put it into proper form—

Here’s the TL;DR—The Cabin Boy™ has been ordered to provide the correct addresses for service of process on John Doe, Peter Poe, Randy Roe, Jane Doe, Polly Poe, and Rhonda Roe (“D’oh! Defendants,” H/T, V V) within 21 days. Also, he was admonished for failing to provide a proper certificate of service and was ordered not to fail to serve the pro se defendants again.

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen, a bit faster than expected, but on track.

UPDATE—While I was rereading Judge West’s order, this popped out at me:

Until such time as all Defendants have appeared in this case, the Clerk of the Court shall not accept and file any document from Plaintiff that does not contain a certificate of service showing that the Plaintiff served the document on the Defendants who have not appeared.

Oooo, this is gonna be good. A valid certificate of service has to show who was served, by what means, and at what address. Because the D’oh! Defendants are now in the case, it looks like he will have to provide that information for them on the certificates of service attached to any motions or other court papers he files until they appear either through counsel or pro se.

Nothing is proceeding as the Cabin Boy™ has hallucinated.

UPDATE 2—I’m told that the Cabin Boy™ says he can solve his D’oh! Defendants problem by filing a motion dismissing them. If I read the judge’s order correctly, the certificate of service for that motion will have to include the information concerning his service of that paper on those defendants.


184 thoughts on “LOLsuit VIII News

  1. How I perceive how Bill Schmalfeldt operates in the courts:

    1. Get mad (especially so when a woman beats him)
    2. Crib off google searches and misunderstand everything he reads
    3. Scribble a half baked motion together
    4. Send it (sometimes with a letter to the judge)
    5. Totally and utterly screw himself

  2. So the court gave him a “free” extra amendment and he still screwed it up. His attempts to add doe defendants has failed. Bwahaha

    Dance monkey, dance !!

    • You must provide, and are responsible for, information sufficient to identify Defendants on the Forms USM-285. The United States Marshal cannot serve an improperly identified defendant,

      So no subpoenas?

        • It might be worse.

          The way I read the magistrate’s order, a DUMBFUCK can’t file anything with the Court unless and until he also serves it on the Does, which effectively freezes Lulzsuit VIII for three weeks, until the whole thing is euthanized. In fact, he may not even be able to dismiss the Does without serving them. .

          There’s an awfully good chance that my reading of that is wrong, but Oliver Wendell Jones seems to have legally paralyzed himself because he’s a little slow with the thinking.

  3. Dumbfuck only get one chance to get this in proper form. He’s going to fuck it up just like he fucked up the SAC.

    • No, he gots this, That order from the judge was more a pat on the back telling him he did so well. DF you got this in the bag.The way I read the order I wouldn’t bother doing anything at all.

        • What I mean is, the way i read it, is he has to list the anonymous comments that are actionable, and the pseudonyms they were posted under, so the marshals can go identify the anonymous commenters for him. And he’s got 21 days to pick out the worst six! Plenty of time to get that done.

          • Look, Imma say this one more time:

          • Be careful you might educate him and he’ll find out all he has to do is list the url in place of street address.

          • AJ your forgetting about rule eleventy which states Pro Se plaintiffs(or defendants in some cases) whose legal pleadings are so well plead that mere humans may only in bask in warm light while reading them have 11 extra days to comply with any set deadlines. DF you have 32 days to selling with this and your so awesome I would put it off to until the last day. Your too busy with your podcast and what nots, to worry about this paperwork right now.

        • “Yep, nailed it.”

          When the proper response is, “You should have screwed it,” I suppose it’s a lose-lose choice.


  4. So, what is the status of people who have been served with the FAC, can they file motions and counterclaims or do they have to wait for Bill to get his act together with his failed sad SAC?

  5. Bill gets completely owned by Sarah and the best response he can come up with is “I’m to stooooopid to remember what I wrote a few months ago!”

    Well done Bill.

    • You disgusting piece of excrement.
      You have no value. Only our LORD and Saviour have any feelings for you; and generally speaking I can only surmise the majority are anguish and disappointment.

  6. Doesn’t the ADA guarantee him the right to sue unidentified people now in case somebody says something mean about him in the future?

    He should sue the judge.

  7. Well, the Update explains why he unprotected his Twitter feed and is going after Aaron right now.

    Go git ’em Bill!

  8. Ash,
    Did you shave your cat? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you did.
    Did you eat a clam for breakfast? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that you did.
    Did you have an encounter of the third kind? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you did.

      • I wouldn’t have done things that way, but what do I know. I just clean the place after the parties.

    • Yeah I was trying to suss that out.
      I have no idea how to serve a D’oh defendant, but then I’m not trying to sue one.
      And if I were I’d hire a very expensive lawyer, because I’m pretty sure you’d need an expert to pull that off properly.
      And he’s doubly screwed since his D’oh defendants aren’t really traditional D’ohs (distinct people who’s names are unknown.) They’re placeholders for actions he thinks he’ll find.

  9. Also, this leaves plenty of time to get that IFP. I wonder if he listed all the court cases he was supposed to list in IFP interrogatories. I saw a case dismissed for that reason alone.

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  11. Good news for the manatee, there is one less address to search. My fiend E. Allen Poe informs me that his cousin Pollyanna has retained the services of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Humgadunga, Hungadunga and Smith, LLC.

  12. How will he file a motion to dismiss Doe defendants “pursuant to identifying and adding them in discovery” if he hasn’t served all the named defendants?

    Captain Yossarian?

    • Precisely.

      And he can’t file anything else without serving the Does, which means that the whole mess is going to be spiked for lack of prosecution.

    • How I like to serve Doe’s is after a long slow cooking process. Either in a crockpot or a heavy duty dutch oven You start with your deer meat and you generously salt and pepper all sides. add your chopped onions, garlic, mushrooms ( I prefer both Chanterelles and hen of the woods) and here is a little secret a can of cream of mushroom soup. Add a little fresh rosemary and fresh basil then let this cook nice and slow for at least 4 hours. Deer has a wild game taste that mellows nicely with long slow cooks. When it comes out the meat is super tender, I would serve this along side mash potatoes or even over egg noodles.

      We are talking about sharing recipes for cooking with deer meat right

    • I suspect if he files a motion to dismiss the entire case, with prejudice, the judge will set aside that little requirement.

      • I wonder if there exists an avenue by which the defendants could contest that because I get the sense that they don’t want to let a DUMBFUCK off that easily.

        Always remember, this time is different.

  13. Our esteemed host has asked me to make the book on when an improper contact seeking an address will be made.

    (As bookie’s privilege, I put a little chocolate donut on August 5th.)

    • He really needs to stop that “don’t make money off my name without my permission” crap until he’s removed Every. Single. One. of his “books” with my or any other real person’s name in it. Because I sure as hell didn’t give him permission.

      But then the SOB thinks it’s all well and good if he does it to others, they just better never do it back to him because that’s illegal. /*spit*

    • That and outright stupidity. It’s not defamation, the legal definition of which he is incapable of understanding.

    • His personal “hurt” code about writing about people is one he doesn’t follow himself
      and has no bearing on any actual legal claim upon which relief may be granted. He may be offended as he chooses but …

      The best response to Bill is straight out of Austen…

      “That will make your ladyship’s situation at present more pitiable; but it will have no effect on [anybody].”

    • Bill’s use of the English language reminds me of that guy on “In Living Color” who used to make up polysyllabic words in an effort to appear erudite. Didn’t work for him, either. But that was intentional comedy.

  14. “Really. Hoge’s gonna pop a blood vessel.”

    Sez the guy with SEVEN hysterical blog posts in one hour.

  15. “UPDATE 2—I’m told that the Cabin Boy™ says he can solve his D’oh! Defendants problem by filing a motion dismissing them.”

    Remind me again why he added them in the first place.

    Who’s on first?

    • I believe he thought he’d be able to get the SC courts to pay for an unlimited fishing license allowing him to find out who all the posters at Hogewash, TMZ, and Billysez are.

      The thing is, as I understand it, that even if the court had said, “Sure, here’s a subpoena!”, they still weren’t going to pay the bill from WP or the ISPs to pull the info together for Biwwy. That’s dozens (probably a lot more) of staff hours, and I understand WP bills by the hour, and the hourly charge is into three figures, so unless Biwwy has spare tens of thousands under the mattress to pay them, he wasn’t going to get that info anyway.

  16. So… Uhh does failure to prosecute also trigger the “without merit” penalty or whatever its called on the IFP? Because that would create quite the bind.

  17. “If you do not tweet me back saying you have been served, I will assume you have been served, in which case I do not need to perform service.”

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  19. What are the probabilities that Poe, Roe and Doe are actually sock puppets TCBBS created and forgot about? Are we certain he isn’t suing himself or Team Kimberlin? Or is it all a clever ploy?

  20. Peter Poe did like to stroll,
    no address did he keep.
    His bread was lulz from the Troll,
    honeyed laughter was his sleep.

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