Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Phone rings once. Telephone handset picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) Atsign, it’s Bradshaw.

JOHNNY: Hello, Lieutenant. What’s up?

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) I’ve got a job for you.

JOHNNY: Something must be wrong with the line. It sounded like you want me to investigate something?

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) I do, Atsign. It’s a personal matter.

JOHNNY: I’m all ears, Lieutenant.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during the Tenuous Tenancy Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @LtBradshaw Rank has its privileges and its vunerabilities.

JOHNNY: Bradshaw subscribes to a service that lets him know about web searches of his name. It’s not vanity. We make enemies in our line of work, so it’s a reasonable precaution. I don’t bother because there’s too much web traffic associated with me. There’s too much chaff and not enough wheat.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter. Fading up.) … so it’s that sudden burst of searches that’s suspicious.

JOHNNY: OK, but why do you want me to look into it?

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filer.) They’re all at the same site, and the site’s run by one of your clients.

JOHNNY: Ah.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) I figure he’d be more cooperative with you.

JOHNNY: Probably. Yeah, sure, I’ll take a look. Send me an email with the site’s URL. I’ll get back to you when I’ve got something.

SOUND: Telephone handset hung up.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Full mike) All right, hold it right where you are! I’m Lieutenant Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now, here in the studio it’s all knuckles and know how. But when that red light goes off, I’m just plain Joe Doaks: citizen, weekend father. Now take a tip from a cop who does; radio work can be just as dirty and exciting as hunting down Public Enemy Number One. So when I get home, I unwind with my favorite beverage, and I drink mine from a Team Lickspittle Drinking Glass.

ANNOUNCER: Right, Joe. That’s just one example of the Team Lickspittle, Johnny Atsign, Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, Res Judicata, and Murum Aries Attigit glassware available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, spend some money, and support Team Lickspittle. And remember, folks, you can also support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar or by doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

SOUND: Phone rings three times. Caller’s POV.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) Bradshaw.

JOHNNY: Lieutenant, I’ve got an answer for you.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) Yeah?

JOHNNY: Do you remember a fellow known as The Grouch?

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) That cybercreep who keeps collecting ROs and filing losing LOLsuits?

JOHNNY: The very same.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) What’s he got to do with it?

JOHNNY: He’s the one doing the searches.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) What interest could he have in me?

JOHNNY: Well, I don’t want to bruise your ego, but most likely none. The actual search term was “tenant.”

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filer.) Huh?

JOHNNY: Yeah. He’s been having some sort of landlord issues, and he was searching my client’s site for the term “tenant”. The word “lieutenant” comes up as a response to the search, so every mention of you that included your rank was returned.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) Sounds like a false alarm.

JOHNNY: Probably, but keep your eyes open.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter.) OK. Thanks, Atsign. I owe you one.

JOHNNY: I’ll find a way to collect, Lieutenant.

SOUND: Telephone handset hung up.

JOHNNY TWEETS: @LtBradshaw Who would spell it with 2 Ns.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Would you like to buy a vowel? Join us, won’t you.

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

11 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. I noticed this over at Ukulele’s website.

    “Bill intends to appeal.”
    http://www.ncleg.net/gascripts/statutes/statutelookup.pl?statute=50C
    I don’t see anything in 50C that allows for appealing a “Permanent civil no-contact order” which cannot exceed one year. He has to put up with the year and be a good little turd by ceasing to stalk her.

    So it seems that Dumbfuck’s priorities are:
    1. Appealing an unappealable? restraining order that’s set to expire in 1 year.
    2. Publicly doxing Hoge’s lawyer in order to scare him away from defending Hoge.
    3. Autopiloting the Florence lawsuit.
    4. Digging holes.

    Do I have this right?

  2. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 7.17 : The Other McCain

  3. “Learned elder, wordsmith, right jolly old elf.”

    *snerk*

    That’s not the William “Bill” M. Schmalfeldt, Sr., that I know…

    He hasn’t learned shit, can’t write worth shit, and “right jolly” is a misspelling of “anally-fixated homosexual revenge stalker”, based on observation.

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