Blogsmoke


SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: Quiet restaurant background with juke box playing oldies. Door from the street opens and closes. Footsteps.

JOHN: Hey, Joe, grab a chair.

FRIDAY: Sorry I’m late. The airline lost my bag, and it took an hour to get the claim filed with the airline at BWI.

SOUND: Chair pulled out.

SMITH: You didn’t lose anything important, did you?

FRIDAY: Just a change of clothes and a shaving kit. They said the bag was routed to Philly instead of Baltimore. It’s supposed to be delivered to me tomorrow morning. I kept the evidence in my carry on.

JOHN: Right. It’s supposed to stay under your control at all times to preserve the chain of custody.

SMITH: Uh, huh. I remember having to get the airline to sign for that tire that went into the baggage compartment and having to watch it move from plane to plane.

BRAIN: Sounds like a real hassle.

FRIDAY: It was. Bringing home digital files on DVDs is much easier. By the way, I stopped off and put them in the office safe on my way here.

WAITRESS: Hi, Joe. Can I get you something?

FRIDAY: Yeah. Comfort food. Let me start with a shake. Chocolate. And a burger and fries.

WAITRESS: Just a plain burger?

FRIDAY: With bacon and cheese. Cheddar.

PINKY: Sounds like my kind of food. I’m staying of dinner. Anyone else?

SMITH: Not me, alas.

FRIDAY: I will.

BRAIN: Me too.

JOHN: And me.

WAITRESS: OK. I’ll get Joe’s shake and be back to take your orders.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: It’s a warm summer evening, I’ll sitting on the porch with a cold one in my hand. I’ll keep my drink cold and my hand warm with a Team Lickspittle Thermos Can Cooler. It’s not one of those flimsy foam can wraps. It’s a solid double-wall aluminum vacuum insulated cooler made by Thermos®. It’s just one of the nifty goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard-earned cash to help support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or by doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

SOUND: Restaurant background back up.

JOHN: (Fading up) … so I expect that I’ll be served by mail by the U.S. Marshals. I may be the only defendant for whom The Grouch provided a correct address.

BRAIN: And then what?

JOHN: My lawyer will take it from there. He’ll file an appearance and a motion to dismiss.

PINKY: Is that all?

JOHN: Maybe … no … probably not. That’s the bare minimum. A couple of LOLsuits ago, The Grouch had one dismissed for lack of personal jurisdiction, and the order dismissing that LOLsuit is exactly the sort of case law that would be cited in a sanctions motion for filing a frivolous case.

FRIDAY: Frivolous?

JOHN: Yeah, frivolous. Look, it would be one thing if The Grouch wasn’t aware of the controlling case law, but it’s one of his own LOLsuits that makes the case against him. Clearly, he should know better, so, yeah, frivolous. And probably sanctionable.

PINKY: It’ll be interesting to see what happens.

FRIDAY: And wouldn’t you possibly have counterclaims?

JOHN: Probably, but if the case is easily dismissed and sanctions are likely, why bother? Look, after The Grouch filed his first LOLsuit against me, he wised up in a couple of days and dropped the suit. If he’s smart enough to drop this one before my lawyer files his appearance, he’ll save himself a boatload of grief. If he doubles down on stupid, I have options.

FRIDAY: What do you think?

JOHN: It’s hard to lose money betting against The Grouch doing the smart thing. I’ll let my lawyer handle it. Pass the ketchup.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

59 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. I remember the last three times the Grouch had to face a lawyer. Once he fled the state, once he hid under the bed and dismissed with prejudice, and once he got he ass handed to him. Any bets on which option he picks this time? I can’t wait for future episodes.

  2. Hummmm……….so this work of fiction hints that the Twitter Attorney at Law might have to square off with a local attorney in a recently filed frivolous lawsuit. This could result in Twitter Court and Federal District Court colliding in an epic battle of the ages. Talk about entertainment!!! Its too bad this is only a work of fiction.

  3. Okay, John; time for a little of your own medicine. Ain’t no way Pinky could be that much of a functioning participant in the conversation. He is supposed to provide piquant counter points, not straight lines.

    May the LORD bless you and keep you.

    • Considering the absolute horror his abilities to run these things without dead air, etc, etc; he’s actually not far off calling them BRUTAL. With “30 years of journalism” and all he has are the abilities of a 10 year old in his mom’s basement trying this for the 1st time.

  4. Nice to hear William “pedo patsy” Shmalfeldt gladly get hit by the bus he is being thrown under by his master.

    I’d bet real money that after he gets thrashed in court and gets a hint of how he got played that kimberpedo smooth talks his way out of being the bad guy.

  5. I bet it never even occurred to Shakey that he might not only be facing pro se defendants, but an actual laywer or two or FOUR.

  6. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 07.07.17 : The Other McCain

      • Or it might well be that landlords are a tad reluctant to rent to self-described paupers who while away their days acting like a lunatic online and filing doomed lulzsuits.

        But, hey, Diane understands and loves you. You’ll always have that. And living in a van by the river might be romantic.

        • Landlords might take exception to referring to a male blow up doll wearing a Halloween clearance wig as your fiance also

        • He really should sue that landlord, though. Unless hehe’just lying, as usual. You can reject a tenant for bad credit, if you obtain an actual credit report from a consumer reporting agency. You can’t legally reject them because you googled them and found out they’re an asshole. You can reject a tenant if they’re a RSO and your property is too near a school or something. You can’t legally reject them because you searched beenverified and found something that might not have anything at all to do with them.

          So, my assumption is he’s lying. If they were actually rejected, it’s because Mx. Rauhauser has bad credit.

          • maybe, then again, who’s to say what his former landlords had to say about his tennancy?

            might just be the TRUTH about himself that he cant hide that is in play here.

          • The one thing he lists says a landlord refused to rent to someone because her facebook page showed she had just gotten a new puppy that she had “forgotten” to mention on the application.

            Did this landlord know about the cat?

          • I hope he’s telling the truth because it’s funny.

            On the other hand, if you show up with a 50 year old broad with pink hair and start raving about the Internet, I somehow doubt that a landlord’s first response will be “What could go wrong?”

            Oh, and maybe stop drinking for a few hours.

    • self awareness fail #23,014
      I just never even occurs to Shakey that maybe, Maybe it’s NOT what we are saying about him, but what he, himself, has put out there that has “potential South Carolina Landlords” not renting to him.

      I know I’d be less keen on renting to someone who claims pauper status in order to sue a group of people, who he has already sued multiple times and either dropped it himself or lost.

      • True. filing as a pauper might make a landlord wonder how long before there are issues with the rent. And who knows what the nuns, or the good landlords of Clinton are saying during background checks?

        His interests in poop and cub scout porn masquerading as “satire”, and Lady Di’s homosexual incest porn probably aren’t helping either. And who knows, maybe they listened to part of a podcast and decided they didn’t want to risk someone who acts and sounds sloshed half the time.

        • Indeed, I’m sure his last landlord had quite a bit to say about Shakey and his living habits.

          I guess Dumbf5ck didnt realize landlords like to talk to your previous landlord before renting to you.

      • You know Google searches WILL return posts written by Bill Schmalfeldt outlining what Bill Schmalfeldt believe conservatives (the majority of South Carolina, and probably a HIGH concentration of landlords) think about gay marriage and anal sex.

        They might find such material offensive as well as personally insulting.

        Plus, Bill Schmalfeldt clearly doesn’t understand the concept of “burden of proof.”

    • I remember back when he got the apartment in Wisconsin, he told them all about the lies on the internet and they accepted his explanation as was able to live there. In fact, he said they loved him! He was going to leave them a lot of money when he died.

    • How are folks “aiming” messages at SC landlords? Did I miss a memo with a list of every single landlord in the Myrtle Beach area that Lickspittles were supposed to send emails to?

      Gee Biwwy, for someone who’s so upset about people reading bad stuff about you on the internet, you sure have no problem posting the same about other people. And funny, most didn’t start getting nasty until after you threatened to (or actually did) contact their families, their employers, their local news media.

      Reap what you sow indeed, you bastard.

      • well it’s not like someone tried to connect his name with that of a child rapist, cause that would be bad right??

        Gee, it’s almost like he thinks its a bad thing that someone can look up what someone else has been up to online and based their judgment on what they find no matter where it comes from.

        BTW, it’s called Karma Dumbf5ck, and it’s finally come back to bitch slap you and your fugly blow up boyfriend.

  7. Even if they missed the child porn production, I’m sure they weren’t impressed by how often he vacates entire states.

    Or maybe they don’t want a lawsuit happy ‘professional’ litigant in their property.

    Or maybe it’s all horseshit until he posts proof that he was denied a rental. I’m going with this one. I’m busy tomorrow, so I’ll leave it for someone else to post a doomclock for when proof must be provided.

  8. Why didn’t you buy a blow up doll in Clinton and live among “your people”? You already had a place there. Razor sharp curbs to be sure, but a roof over your head.

  9. Funny how upset he is about other people’s “lies” (most of which can be proven to be true very, very easily), but has no issue with the known lies he’s tried to spread about other people to get them to do what he wants.

    • Funny how Dumbf5ck forgets that absolutely everything everyone has pointed at laughed at and mocked about him…was put on the Internet by HIMSELF FIRST.

      You really have only yourself to blame Shakey.

  10. IF……..IF……..I mean a HUGE IF certain defendants “hire” attorneys to deal with the Twitter Attorney at Law Bill Schmalfeldt and his latest LULZSUIT, will Bill be able to communicate with those defendants? In any way? Could he find himself in trouble if he decides to discuss the case online during the suit?

    IF the Twitter Attorney at Law cannot contact the people he is suing, is unable to discuss the case during the trial, what is his motive to continue the LULZSUIT? He doesn’t file these things believing he can win, he files to harass. He may think he is costing his victims in the pocketbook.

    IF certain zombies hear from certain little birdies that the attorneys are to work pro bono, then down goes his final motivation. BOOM

  11. Listen, Bill. If we help landlords avoid a disaster tenant, so much the better. If we help people avoid interacting with you, so much the better. If you take the cure, so much the better. People mark toxic chemicals with a skull and crossbones. We mark toxic people as DumbF5cks.

    You’ve got the Priest with a redemption story out of a movie praying for you to go to hell. You have a group of normal people from all walks of life ready to hold a party celebrating your death. You are an utterly worthless individual, and we will give you no sympathy.

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