SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Quiet restaurant background with juke box playing oldies. Door from the street opens and closes. Footsteps.
JOHN: Hey, Joe, grab a chair.
FRIDAY: Sorry I’m late. The airline lost my bag, and it took an hour to get the claim filed with the airline at BWI.
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
SMITH: You didn’t lose anything important, did you?
FRIDAY: Just a change of clothes and a shaving kit. They said the bag was routed to Philly instead of Baltimore. It’s supposed to be delivered to me tomorrow morning. I kept the evidence in my carry on.
JOHN: Right. It’s supposed to stay under your control at all times to preserve the chain of custody.
SMITH: Uh, huh. I remember having to get the airline to sign for that tire that went into the baggage compartment and having to watch it move from plane to plane.
BRAIN: Sounds like a real hassle.
FRIDAY: It was. Bringing home digital files on DVDs is much easier. By the way, I stopped off and put them in the office safe on my way here.
WAITRESS: Hi, Joe. Can I get you something?
FRIDAY: Yeah. Comfort food. Let me start with a shake. Chocolate. And a burger and fries.
WAITRESS: Just a plain burger?
FRIDAY: With bacon and cheese. Cheddar.
PINKY: Sounds like my kind of food. I’m staying of dinner. Anyone else?
SMITH: Not me, alas.
FRIDAY: I will.
BRAIN: Me too.
JOHN: And me.
WAITRESS: OK. I’ll get Joe’s shake and be back to take your orders.
SOUND: Restaurant background out.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: It’s a warm summer evening, I’ll sitting on the porch with a cold one in my hand. I’ll keep my drink cold and my hand warm with a Team Lickspittle Thermos Can Cooler. It’s not one of those flimsy foam can wraps. It’s a solid double-wall aluminum vacuum insulated cooler made by Thermos®. It’s just one of the nifty goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard-earned cash to help support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
SOUND: Restaurant background back up.
JOHN: (Fading up) … so I expect that I’ll be served by mail by the U.S. Marshals. I may be the only defendant for whom The Grouch provided a correct address.
BRAIN: And then what?
JOHN: My lawyer will take it from there. He’ll file an appearance and a motion to dismiss.
PINKY: Is that all?
JOHN: Maybe … no … probably not. That’s the bare minimum. A couple of LOLsuits ago, The Grouch had one dismissed for lack of personal jurisdiction, and the order dismissing that LOLsuit is exactly the sort of case law that would be cited in a sanctions motion for filing a frivolous case.
JOHN: Yeah, frivolous. Look, it would be one thing if The Grouch wasn’t aware of the controlling case law, but it’s one of his own LOLsuits that makes the case against him. Clearly, he should know better, so, yeah, frivolous. And probably sanctionable.
PINKY: It’ll be interesting to see what happens.
FRIDAY: And wouldn’t you possibly have counterclaims?
JOHN: Probably, but if the case is easily dismissed and sanctions are likely, why bother? Look, after The Grouch filed his first LOLsuit against me, he wised up in a couple of days and dropped the suit. If he’s smart enough to drop this one before my lawyer files his appearance, he’ll save himself a boatload of grief. If he doubles down on stupid, I have options.
FRIDAY: What do you think?
JOHN: It’s hard to lose money betting against The Grouch doing the smart thing. I’ll let my lawyer handle it. Pass the ketchup.
SOUND: Restaurant background out.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.