Legal LULZ Du Jour


The Gentle Reader should note that the Cabin Boy™ does not provide a citation for his “Federal decision.” IANAL, but I believe the reason that he can’t is because the controlling federal case law doesn’t support his theory.

The controlling Supreme Court decisions are Brandenburg v. Ohio, 395 U.S. 444 (1969) and Virginia v. Black, 538 U.S. 343 (2003). Every blog post published here is well within the First Amendment protections outlined by those cases. It may be that some commenter has wandered outside of those limits. If he did, he alone is responsible under the provisions of the Communications Decency Act (47 U.S.C. § 230). The Supreme Court has never weighed in on that law, but the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals has. (Maryland and South Carolina are both in the Fourth Circuit.) The controlling opinion is Zeran v. America Online, Inc., 129 F.3d 327 (4th Cir. 1997), and it upheld the safe harbor provisions of the law.

Here, Congress decided that free speech on the Internet and self-regulation of offensive speech were so important that § 230 should be given immediate, comprehensive effect.

Id. at 335.

The facts and the law are both against The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt in LOLsuit VIII: Avoiding Contact. He can pound on his keyboard all he wants, but the only result will be more pointage, laughery, and mockification.

Nothing is proceeding as the Cabin Boy™ has hallucinated.

104 thoughts on “Legal LULZ Du Jour

    • And if by chance he gets any subpoenas for wordpress, they will be quashed as improper. I doubt the court will make the mistake of issuing subpoenas for wordpress.

      • And I’m 100% certain that indigent DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt has been told multiple times and in no uncertain term$ the a¢tual ob$ta¢le$ that exi$t between the nigh-impossible event that WordPress would comply with his subpoena and WordPress delivering the results to DUMBFUCK.

        Ahoy, Captain! FUN sighted, dead ahead!

    • It isn’t Bill Schmalfeldt’s fake law. It is the ruling of a rogue federal judge in Kentucky: David Hale. Specifically, it is a suit against Donald Trump alleging that he fomented violence at campaign rallies. Highly partisan Democratic-appointed Judges are willing to shred the Constitution to pursue their agenda. There we are.

      That said, nothing John Hoge has ever written reaches the burden of proof Judge Hale is asserting. On the other hand, I would have to ask if Bill Schmalfeldt, and his ilk, did in fact use “due care” concerning Aaron Walker, and his involvement in the Everybody Blog about Mohammed? Publishing the address of a person they could reasonable infer could be the target of an assassination attempt by religious extremists is a clear violation of that standard. And, the inflammatory rhetoric they used to characterize the cartoons at the website could reasonably be interpreted as “fomenting” violence.

      Thankfully for Bill Schmalfeldt, the Constitution as it actually is, as opposed to Judge Hale’s self-serving and ephemeral interpretation [will be struck down on appeal,] protected his internet activities. Fortunately, Bill Schmalfeldt will not be hoisted on his own petard.

      Then again, maybe not.

      • Did William “Stolen Valor” Schmalfeldt exercise due care when he responded to a call to rape Lee’s wife by publisher her address and pictures of the inside and outside of her house?

  1. I’m not sure he realizes that compelling compliance with a subpoena isn’t necessarily a cost-free endeavor. That assumes (I know, I know) that the court actually approves his subpoenas.

    Further, assuming (there I go again…) that he actually gets a subpoena for WP, they’re probably going to tell him to go pound sand, and he clearly lacks the wit to counter their opposition.

    “Lackwit” is such an underused word. Or was, until CBBS came along.

  2. “Forget Brandenburg, lets go by Vaughey right now.”

    Because in the long run, that worked out so well…

    • I was assured ignoring the ruling precedence of decisions made by higher courts would make the rulings appeal-proof.

      Was certainly a judge that just didn’t give much of a damn anymore.

  3. So his argument is that his comments (apparently designed to inspire hatred) are NOT protected speech?

      • It takes the average stupid person a decade or more to generate the stupidity that Schmaledtt can produce in the first ten words of a pro se pleeading.

        • 1 – Now
          2 – comes
          3 – plaintiff (alt. planitiff)
          4 – William
          5 – Schmalfeldt (alt. Smallalfedt, etc.)

          Heck, barely even took five.

    • He’s got a number of blogs (one of which is a defendant, the other of which purportedly owns said blog and is also a defendant) that are utterly riddled with bile spewed for no reason at all other than to inspire hatred.

      Oh, did you forget that you’ll stand as a Defendant long before you can even think about being a Plaintiff, DUMBF*CK?

      • He’s been making the same whiny-ass argument about commenting being “owned” by a blog author under some double-secret rule or other ever since blog authors started blocking his comments. That’s not how it works, and there is no law to help him declare otherwise.

        • But I presume he’s angling for a defense about why Breitbart unmasked can’t be guilty of libel or his comment section there not having anything to do with the fact that he and others write vicious falsehoods that they know are false, and he himself can’t be guilty for endorsing a known falsehood. There’s no way out of that. He has editorial control, for one, and owns his own commenting.

          • Of course, he’s in the clear for other reasons.

            Nobody comments there.

  4. Good Lord! You’d think that perhaps after being slapped upside the head by Reality so often some small smidgen of awareness would have seeped in. You’d be wrong, oh so wrong.
    I do have a kind of grudging appreciation of the persistence with which he so tightly clutches his delusions. Of course, delusions [and an inflata-skank] are about all he has had to clutch for quite some time now.

    • The recycling of used up and busted arguments is the one thing that always struck me as supporting the possibility of his really having a degenerative neurological condition.

      • Like stupidity? That counts, right?

        For years, I was very careful about not saying that Drunkenstein was faking Parkinson’s because I didn’t care if he had it or not, although I hoped he did and that it fucking hurt. Besides, I’m pretty sure that if I wasn’t too lazy to look up the medical literature, it would say it Parkinson’s wasn’t what made the Diminished Capacity Kid such a dumb – yet sensationally arrogant – cunt.

        But his own actions convinced me that he doesn’t have it. Whether he actually believes that he does is immaterial since we sadly can’t get him on an autopsy table anytime soon.

      • Malignant narcissists use words for the joy of inflicting pain. It doesn’t matter whether the arguments make sense, have been used before, or even actually cause the target any pain. All that matters is that jolt of pleasure when the words are composed and launched.

        • This can’t be repeated enough. For example, Bill seems to think that saying our gracious host has feces in his beard causes WJJH anguish. Even though anyone can see that no, he does not, and that no, the comment doesn’t bug him. It gives Bill a little frission of pleasure every time he says it though. So he keeps on with it over and over again.

          All he does is show who he is. So, yay Bill? I guess?

    • He’s just trying to declare loopholes for himself. I wonder if he got out and got that walk he told himself to take. He may wonder who is in Myrtle beach for the holiday weekend taking holiday photos.

  5. Consider this pointage.
    Consider this laughery.
    Consider this mockification.
    Consider this (to quote Arthur Lionel “Stalky” Corkran) a gloat.
    Mirth, mirth, overly excessive mirth, headshaking, eye-rolling, foot-stamping and belly-pounding.
    Simultaneous facepalm by all the crew, assembled in uniform.

    And de tar-baby, she say nuffin’.

  6. Sorta like, “Hey this guy is a convicted rapist and until you tell me otherwise, I’m sticking to my story.”

    Then says later, “It was a clever ploy. I knew that I was lying.”

  7. https://mobile.twitter.com/breitbitnews/status/882030101076029441

    And for when The Blob deletes this tweet or deletes his account:

    Breitbit News @breitbitnews

    Replying to @BreitbartUnmask and 2 others
    And that will come up in my presentation. There are only two ROs in effect, but not on any of the defendants.

    5:15 PM · Jul 3, 2017

    LOL. Can you imagine?

    Plaintiff: “I’ve never done anything to provoke this.”

    Defendant: “Objection your Honor! The Plaintiff has 9 restraining order/peace orders in 5 different states from 5 different judges.”

    Plaintiff: “I object to his objection your Honor! There are only 2 restraining orders in effect, but not on any of the defendants.”

    Judge: “WTF?!?”

    Plaintiff: ¯\_(?)_/¯

    • Xmfan, political forum, a treasure trove of horrible, defamatory, harassing behavior. Some have never seem the DM messages on xmfan from the jovial one.

      From what I’ve seen on the message board, really awful some of them.

    • No, the restraining orders aren’t on any of the plaintiffs right now. They’re on him.

      More of that fantastic GS-13 editing/writing skill which seems to have had them trying to figure out how to get rid of him almost as soon as they realized what they had sitting in their offices.

    • Rats. Here’s the tweet:

          • Nothing gets your lolsuit thrown out quicker by a pissed off judge than by throwing out evidence the defendant would have used against you in their defence.

          • And spoliation of evidence is a really good way to get an automatic lose in a court case, because all missing documents are assumed to be in favor of the other party. Because a party in a lawsuit wouldn’t be trying to hide stuff that would support their side of the case.

            Defense and corporate counsel are most likely at risk if there is a showing of willful destruction. However, even if spoliation is negligent, it is not beyond reason to envision a personal sanction by the trial judge. As for a company, sanctions range from monetary fines to default judgment. Generally, the harshest sanctions (default judgment, criminal punishment) are reserved for those instances in which the defendant has acted in bad faith. Keep in mind that bad faith can be inferred from particularly negligent conduct. Absent such a showing, potential sanctions include attorneys’ fees, monetary fines or, perhaps most daunting, an adverse instruction to the jury. — https://cyber.harvard.edu/digitaldiscovery/library/spoliation/spoliationanalysis.html

  8. Hatred is 100% legal, DUMBF*CK. That’s why you’re not in jail.

    “The only thing necessary to incite disgust toward Bill Schmalfeldt is to quote Bill Schmalfeldt.”

  9. The law is only relevant if you can establish jurisdiction and plead a case, which Schmaleldt can’t because he’s a drunken imbecile.

  10. Thanks to either Insty or Ace, I read this interesting artricle on the CDA’s section 230 and moderating/deleting comments, just this morning.

    Written by some guy named Randazza. Is he an attorney or something? He seems pretty knowledgeable.

  11. Why, yes. Libel per se. Maybe Acme Law can figure out why.

  12. I don’t think any judge, jury, bailiffs and future cell mates are going to think someone who made sex stories of children, harassed a retired lawyers disabled son, harassed a young man suffering from spinal bifida, a girl in Racine, who he made sexual comments about thinking it was heathers relative, put a skull over the Causeys baby photo, harassed Sarah’s precious grandchild, I don’t think it’s going to go well.

    Oh and the Microsoft letter, mentioning child porn

    • Yes, The Oaf thought he had struck gold when he saw that my disabled son and I were parties to a “protective proceeding.” His more or less explicit statement that my boy had been abused by me will never be forgotten and never be forgiven. Of course, he felt no shame when it was pointed out that those proceedings were to establish an adult guardianship.

      My son is now exploring the Internet on his own. Who knows what he might find out there? Two words: discovery rule.

        • If it ever would come to that (and it won’t, but never say never) if any of the defendants in the federal suit would like my live testimony about such things, it just might so happen that I would be available to testify without need of a subpoena. On the other hand should the plaintiff desire my appearance he is welcome to jump through all the hoops.

          I would truly enjoy letting the court know how much pain Bill Schmalfeldt caused my family and me in connection with this situation.

  13. I wasn’t anticipating a lot of PLM’ing today. I’m spending time with family and friends on a beautiful lake in the Mid South, so the Twitter Attorney @ Law hasn’t been on my mind during the Independence Day celebration(How is your No-Tell-Motel Shakes). Since Bill has no impulse control or legal acumen, he has provided new PLM material for our enjoyment. Thanks

      • Well, no. Hoge made Grady drive across a couple of states and smack his tore up tires with a curb, over and over. Twitter Chief Justice Oliver Wendell Jones has already ruled on this.

        There’s no question about it. SCOTUS is going to forget about Brandenberg, and probably Skokie and go with DUMBF*CK.

        • Yeah, that pretty much fails Iqbal pleading standards …. and succeeds in establishing probable cause for a 72 hour mental health hold.

    • Uh oh.

      Even an idiot could look at the comments on Hoge’s blog…

      That’s just not gonna work, DUBMF*CK. The First Amendment trumps your butthurt like it was The Donald. So, Happy Independence Day and go die in a fire, you miserable prick.

    • This comes, what, 24 hours after he thanked John for telling him not to? Maybe 48?

      Fetal alcohol syndrome is a thing that exists.

      • I knew he was going to try. The question is, will the magistrate do anything about it, or let it sit until defendants are served.

        I’m hoping it sits because Bill will do even more stupid stuff. *does more lulz stretching exercises.

        • MJ the answer you seek is in the FRCP and SC District Court local rules, also in case law.

    • Except his words have caused (as far as I can see) no damage whatsoever.

      All the problems in your life have been self-inflicted at their root cause. Indeed, quite the opposite, you’ve got a series of orders that effectively proves that you yourself have damaged the lives of others, directly and deliberately.

  14. I spent my July 4th (and I continue to do so!) not tweeting things that make people wonder when I’m going to try to suck my future in-laws into defending me after I try to weaponize the Inflataskank’s death like the victim-slut I am, just like I did with my former in-laws when MUH BANGED HER ON THE FIRST DATE SOULMATE died.

    But hey – you do you.

    • Are these the future in-laws that he said don’t like him because they think he’s a bad influence on John Denver?

      • Oh, I am almost positive the in-laws etc know all about Bill. I’m sure a few of his smarmy ling size casanova facebook posts made them check him out.

        I wonder if they know about the Scout porn though? Or the threatening to take the woman’s kids? That must be a great conversation starter around the old dinner table.

  15. So Bill thinks that the court will issue subpoenas for people NOT named in his suit? Bwhahahahaha.

    Oh please wise Bill, educate us on what part of the FRCP allows you to get subpoenas for people you didn’t name but may intend to name at a future date when you can’t amend your complaint? Please tell us.

    • The Oaf’s plan all along has been to gain traction in a lawsuit against a limited number of parties, use that suit to ascertain information about more people he so terribly wants to haul into court and then file a subsequent action against them fresh from victory in the first suit.

      There are, uhhh… several problems with that strategy, many of them fatal to his litigation prospects, current and future.

      • And while we don’t want to educate him, he really should have been able to figure out the problems with that plan on his own.

        We used to joke that with our guinea pigs, and even the cats, it’s not just the lack of opposable thumbs which prevented them from ruling the world. I suspect an alien race arriving here and meeting Unca Biwwy as their first sample of the dominant species would wonder how the hell we ended up at the top of the food chain.

        • There is not educating a DUMBFUCK, simply by virtue that he’s a DUMBFUCK.

          Not only have Delusions of Glorious Victory in Florence blinded him to the fact that he’s almost certainly cooked in Westminster, he’s forgotten how crippled and useless he’s supposed to be.

          The South Carolina five four can use his statements about being physically useless against him there as John buries a DUMBFUCK alive in Maryland with his declarations of his continuing warrior spirit.

          Retarded enemies are retarded.

        • He didn’t have to figure it out in his own. He had a court-appointed attorney in Illinois DISMISS his “case.” This “poor pro se” routine that he pulls out when needed is baloney. He had FREE, quality legal counsel, and they dropped his case.

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