Blognet


NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger who has been sued multiple times by the same anti-First-Amendment activist is now suing his harasser. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Friday, May 5th. It was sunny and warm in Westminster. We were working the evening watch out of Internet Detail. My partner is Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 6:51 pm when I arrived at Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out.

SMITH: Did the lab guys finish with the evidence?

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. I dropped it off at Holding. The lab says the orientation of the fibers prove that the break propagated from the inside out.

SMITH: So there’s no way that tire was slashed.

FRIDAY: Or punctured. It basically was a blowout.

SOUND: Phone rings once. Receiver picked up.

SMITH: Internet detail, Officer Smith. … Yes, we’re still interested in that subject. … Uh, huh. … Was that on one of his blogs, or … Oh, that site. … He did what? … No, I’ve got the URL for the site. We’ll certainly take a look. … OK. Thanks for the heads up. … Goodbye.

SOUND: Receiver hung up.

SMITH: That was Pete Grayson.

FRIDAY: Grayson? Oh, the guy The Grouch keep insisting is The Head Zombie.

SMITH: Yeah. Him. He says that the Grouch is at it again.

FRIDAY: How’s that?

SMITH: Remember that The Grouch had a show cause hearing today, and the judge let him appear via Skype.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh.

SMITH: The Grouch recorded the hearing from his end of the connection.

FRIDAY: Without permission?

SMITH: Apparently, and he’s posted the court audio as part of a video on YouTube.

FRIDAY: He’ll be happy for us to watch and download it.

SMITH: Oh?

FRIDAY: It’ll probably double the number hits.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: We gathered up all the evidence related to The Grouch’s recording of his hearing and put it together in a report that we forwarded to the Sheriff.

Sunday, May 7th, 1:28 pm. Liz and I were covering a weekend shift.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out.

FRIDAY: Sheriff! What are you doing here on the weekend?

SHERIFF: I’m working on something related to that dumb stunt The Grouch pulled, and I need a paper file that I left in my office.

SMITH: What are you going to do?

SHERIFF: There are several possibilities. First of all, there a chance that he broke the federal wire tapping law.

FRIDAY: But wasn’t he in a one-party permission state?

SHERIFF: He was, but he may also have triggered one of the exceptions to that safe harbor. Second, he definitely broke the Maryland wire tapping law.

FRIDAY: But he was out of state.

SHERIFF: Yes, he was, but there’s case law that may allow Maryland to go after him. But the third possibility is the most likely. I’ll simply tell the judge what The Grouch did. It clearly violated the rule against recording court proceedings, and that is punished as contempt of court. Letting the judge handle it keeps everything inside the existing civil case.

SMITH: That would certainly be simpler.

SOUND: Chair pushed back.

SHERIFF: I think so. It’s probably what I’ll do. I’ll be in my office for a few minutes.

SOUND: Footsteps across room. Door opens and closes.

FRIDAY: Monday, May 8th. The Sheriff filed a petition for a show cause order with the Circuit Court.

Friday, May 12th. 5:01 pm

SMITH: Joe, I’ve been looking through the dockets of the cases we’re tracking. The judge has granted the Sheriff’s show cause petition, and he’s ordered The Grouch to appear in person.

FRIDAY: Hmmm. We should probably give the scheduling office and the bailiffs over at the courthouse a heads up.

SMITH: Huh?

FRIDAY: They’ll need to schedule a courtroom with a door that’s wide enough.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On June 28th, the Circuit Court for Carroll Count held a hearing on the show cause order issued to The Grouch. In a moment the results of that ruling.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? While there’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store, sometimes you have to buy something useful. When that happens, there’s still a way to support Team Lickspittle. Simply use the Amazon link in the sidebar on the Home page. When you shop at Amazon via that link, you’ll pay the same great price, and Hogewash! will get a cut of the action. The Hogewash Store and Amazon—two great ways to support Team Lickspittle. And did you know that there’s a third way as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On June 28th, the Circuit Court for Carroll Count held a hearing on the show cause order issued to The Grouch. He failed to appear. The Court continued the hearing until the first day of the related civil trial. Failure to appear at the trial could result in The Grouch being found in default.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

18 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. No Doorway Wide Enough. Just pay no attention to my living conditions (bungalow, stairs, etc) or my motor skills when videoing myself while in a court proceeding.

  2. Ya know, if the Grouch would just honestly apologies to the Blogger, and honestly follow up by not being a butthole, this whole thing could, and probably would, evaporate. Go poof. Be gone.

    But then there’s that whole ram touching the wall thing. And the Grouch NEVER taking good advice.

    • I’m not sure that the Grouch is constitutionally capable of apologizing. He doesn’t seem to be able to admit to himself that anything he ever did was wrong, and therefore he can’t bring himself to apologize. He had his chance years ago. He blew it.

      • No, I know the train has run through all signs, barriers, blockades and even the end of the track. It will plow through dirt to make it over that cliff.

    • How about those comments you forged last night, rapist? You can start with an apology for those.

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